Without a Paddle (2004)

The call of the wild. The thrill of adventure. The mistake of a lifetime.

Well, the weather is getting nicer, so that means it’s time to go outside and appreciate the great outdoors. Or you could stay in and watch The Great Outdoors. Great movie. But what if that movie is too fine for your tastes? What if you’re looking for, say, a way worse movie about the great outdoors, one directed by the guy who did Heavyweights and Little Nicky? Maybe one that has a 14% on Rotten Tomatoes? How does that sound? Terrible?

Well, my friend, you are in luck because today we are watching the absolutely terrible 2004 feature Without a Paddle. I saw this one when it came out, back at the Hoyts (RIP) Cinema at Latham Circle Mall (even bigger RIP) and I remember thinking it wasn’t like the funniest movie, but at least was worth the $5 matinee ticket price. Now I’m not so sure. This movie involves three friends since childhood who, upon learning of their other friend’s death, decide to go on a treasure hunt for DB Cooper’s missing money. I know I make it sound so good, but I can only do so much justice here so let’s press play.

Our movie begins with “Ooo La La” by The Faces so you know we’re gonna reflect on old times! We see some home movies of boys up to mischief and playing games. We meet Jerry (Matthew Lillard), Tom (Dax Shepard), Dan (Seth Green) and Billy (Antony Starr). Billy leaves the guys after college and they vow to all do great things. We cut to ten years later and Tom is in bed with a married woman who’s wife comes home to interrupt their tryst. Jerry is sleeping through a board meeting, dreaming about surfing. He arrives home to his girlfriend Denise (Bonnie Sommerville) who is packing up to leave him as he didn’t remember their anniversary. He gets a call from his mom with seemingly bad news. Dan is a doctor gets cut off for his assigned parking spot by an asshole played by Scott Adsit. The man harasses Dan until he freaks out. Dan’s a total dweeb at the hospital. He gets a call from Jerry informing him that Billy died in a parasurfing accident in Costa Rica and that his funeral will be in Oregon that weekend. The guys reunite back home for the funeral.

Jerry and Dan admire the great things Billy did in his life while at the cemetery as hot women jump on his casket. Tom arrives on his motorcycle, loudly, in the middle of the funeral and interrupts crassly. This is the highlight of the movie so far. The guys go back to inspect their old childhood tree fort and begin playing like kids. The guys reminisce about a childhood mission they never accomplished; to find DB Cooper’s lost money. If you don’t know DB Cooper’s story, go read up on that. It’s way more interesting than this movie. I’d love to hear your theories on who you think he was! The guys realize that Billy had done extensive further research and had actually pinpointed the location of the money and had been planning on having the guys join him on a trip to search for the money. They vow to honor their childhood promise and take the trip. Dan objects as he’s a doctor with responsibilities now, but Jerry argues that this may be the last chance they have to do something like this and they have to do it for Billy.

Dan agrees and the guys head out on the road to follow Billy’s map, listening to old mixtapes they made as kids in the car. They make their way out to a small, rural town and make Deliverance jokes already. Dan introduces his new cell phone, which has to be a Chekov’s Gun scenario. I don’t remember anything about this movie. Jerry calls Denise to let her know what they’re doing and she gets upset with him for being fantastical. A cop (Ray Baker) questions the boys on what they’re doing and they tell him they’re going up Spirit River. He warns them that it’s tough terrain up there and Tom makes a cunnilingus joke. The sheriff lets them go and they begin their drive again. Two Bubba Sparxxx songs have played already.

They arrive at the river and load their canoe. They take off and feel free. We know this from the swelling orchestral music playing. The guys venture ahead, following the map to their first camping point for the night. The guys talk about life and reflect on how free they feel out in nature, like Billy must have, and toast to him. They try to catch salmon but a bear sneaks up on them. Uh oh! There are so many like one-liner jokes from 1921 in this movie told as earnest dialogue. The guys try to run but dweeby ass Dan trips and falls. The bear treats Dan like a cub and carries him off in her mouth. Dan eats a dead woodland creature that the bear feeds him until the bear walks away and the three run for it up a tree.

The bear eats Dan’s phone and demolishes all their food and supplies as they fall asleep up in the tree. In the morning, a couple of country boys, Elwood and Dennis (Ethan Suplee, Abraham Benrubi), are throwing sticks of dynamite off a canoe which scares the bear. The guys go to venture forward with barely any supplies and a damaged map, trying to avoid Elwood and Dennis. Due to the map’s damage, they end up in some rapids. Nature is fucking these bozos up. Their canoe overturns and they begin getting carried away by the water. Jerry is able to board the top of the canoe and ropes Dan, pulling him back aboard and moving to calmer waters. Tom is under the canoe and flips it over as the guys climb back aboard. Their moment of peace is interrupted as their canoe careens down a waterfall.

They make it safely to land and Tom comes clean about not being a real river guide. The three begin to blame each other for being in the situation they’re in; lost without supplies or maps. Tom finds a beer in the water while Jerry finds a compass. The guys attempt to recreate the map path from memory and begin climbing a mountain. They come across a village or commune or something and approach. Turns out it’s Dennis and Elwood, cutting heads of fish and yelling at the fish. They hear the guys trespassing and grab their guns. The guys manage to hide and Tom discovers a giant weed grow op. Dennis and Elwood are weed farmers. The guys go to leave with a bale of weed in tow but their presence alerts the farmers’ dogs. Dennis and Elwood find the guys and begin shooting but the guys bust out the back of the barn and make a run for it.

They set off flare alerts running and end up in a gigantic weed field. The flares land and start a fire in the field. No idea why you’d have flares out by your cash crop. The guys get absolutely stoned in the middle of the burning field even though I don’t think you can get high off uncured unpicked weed like that? I don’t know. I’m not googling it. Jerry sees Billy’s childhood spirit who gives him spiritual guidance. The guys hide underwater using reeds from the water as air tubes until the farmers leave.

In the morning, the guys make some distance. The farmers discover the entire field as been burnt and vow to catch and kill the guys. Dan gets really upset that he went along with the two of them and starts an argument with Jerry. He starts on Tom too but they discover Tom has a bullet wound so Dan stitches it for him. No idea why he has stitches when they lost everything else, but hey, who can understand anything in this film. The farmers arm up to go kill the guys.

Tom confesses that he was a gambling addict with no luck and lost all his money. He mentions his father’s belief in the family curse, stating that bad luck is the only luck they have. They hear Dan’s phone ringing and realize it means the mama bear is nearby. The farmers ride ATVs through the woods to trail the guys and spot their footprints. Tom uses binoculars to search for signs of life and spots two hippy women bathing each other in a treehouse. They introduce themselves as Flower (Rachel Blanchard) and Butterfly (Christina Moore). They tell the women their story and learn the women are protesting a logging company. The ladies bathe the guys and talk about rain and other hippy shit. The women let the guys use the CB Radio. Someone answers and asks their positions, promising to offer assistance. The group celebrates, but we learn that it was Dennis on the radio. Uh oh again!

Dennis and Elwood approach the tree with a chainsaw to get the group down. Jerry decides to rappel down the side of the tree as a distraction to get the guys out safely but Tom wants to prove he can break the family curse. The group distracts the farmers by throwing bags of shit at them, collected from the ladies’ time in the tree. Flower kisses Dan as he and Jerry escape. Tom manages to steal one of the ATVs and the guys hop aboard. They are all in their underwear. The farmers give chase with the guns that didn’t get jammed from the bags of shit. The guys manage to drive off a cliff into a river. They swim to safety and avoid the bullets, but the farmers know the terrain and go to head them off up the mountain.

The guys wander until late night. Dan says he’s ad enough and needs his inhaler, but the guys tell him he never needed one before and they need to just relax and keep going. Dan states that things are as bad as they could get, which you know you should never say because right then it begins to rain. They realize they need to huddle together for warmth so they don’t die and lay in a pile. A woodsman with a gun named Del (Burt Reynolds) approaches them and tells them to follow him to his cabin. They think he’s DB Cooper based on maps in the cabin. He gives them some clothes to wear and asks them to tell their story.

The guys tell Del their story and he confesses that he was DB’s friend. He mentions that he was to be the one to intercept DB once he jumped off the plane but Del could never see where he landed due to the weather. Del has been in the cabin for 30 years still searching for DB and the money and let his life go by. He tells the guys not to waste their time, as it’s the one thing they won’t get back and tells them they have to go out and get what they’re looking for. The guys get some sleep with plans to get to safety in the morning.

Del makes a nice squirrel breakfast for the guys. Jerry goes out to pee and hears Dan’s phone ringing in a pile of bear shit. He calls Denise but gets the answering machine with a message that she broke up with him. Just then, the farmers begin shooting up the cabin as Jerry stares into space. Del gives the guys directions to get off the mountain safely as he goes to shoot at and distract the farmers. Del manages to shoot the ATV into an explosion and the farmers scatter.

The guys realize there is a substantial amount of iron in the mountain which is throwing off their compass and therefore would have thrown Del’s compass off as well when searching for DB. The guys then fall right through a ground trap into a pit or a mineshaft or something that contains DB Cooper’s skeleton and parachute. Bingo baby! They find that he burnt all of the money to stay warm, trading all of that for a few more hours alive. The guys realize that being alive is the true treasure! What a load of horseshit! They leave childhood trinkets at the site of the skeleton and go to escape. Dan decides he has run out of things to be afraid of and decides they should confront the farmers as they hear them approaching.

The guys find a small crawlspace that only Dan would fit through. Dan crawls through and the guys sing Culture Club to comfort him, giving their location away to the farmers as Dan escapes to the ground. He grabs a large branch as Elwood goes to drop a grenade into the shaft. He smacks the farmers into the shaft but they are fine and they tussle with Jerry and Tom. The sheriff from earlier shows up and saves the guys!

Not so fast! Turns out the sheriff runs the weed operation and the farmers work for him. He’s pissed they made such a mess trying to kill the guys. He gives the farmers their guns back so they can finish the job and blame the terrain. Jerry still has the grenade and throws it at the farmers and the sheriff. They survive the blast but a tree falls from the explosion, which incapacitates them. The guys return to town heroes, with the farmers and sheriff arrested. Del comes back into town and gives the guys a parting gift – DB’s parachute. He reminds them to carry their friends wherever they go, stating that DB’s skeleton is in his backpack. Turns out there’s a ton of cash in the parachute. DB never burned what was supposed to be Del’s share. Tom says the guys should split it three ways but Jerry and Dan insist Tom take it as he has more financial trouble than the rest of them.

Back home, Jerry proposes to Denise via the answering machine and she accepts. Dan and Flower are together in bed…in a treehouse. Tom is a Scout troop leader and is still embellishing stories to the kids. And that’s our movie.

Yeah, this one sucked. I guess this is one of those movies that really only carries any weight when you see it at the Hoyts Cinema at Latham Circle Mall, because I do not remember it being this bad when I saw it in theaters. Well, it is this bad. What can we do? If this movie sounds interesting to you at all, it’s probably the DB Cooper aspect (or the Matthew Lillard aspect) and honestly you’d be better suited spending your time watching a DB documentary (or any other Matthew Lillard picture). But if you absolutely must see this shit creek, it is currently STREAMing on Netflix. I’m not sorry for the terrible pun, as this is a terrible movie. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.