Disappointment abounds here at Stale Popcorn. The movie I had been wanting to write about is the latest victim to the ongoing war of HBO versus Subscribers Who Enjoy HBO Programming. If you are unaware, HBO has just been deleting things out of their archive from HBO Max. Some vocal HBO enjoying customers are pissed to say the least as media seems to keep disappearing in the streaming age. As an example, my best friend had been wanting to watch the Arnie flick True Lies for about two years and it was just…nowhere. A huge blockbuster James Cameron movie and you couldn’t even pay to rent or buy it. It did not exist digitally. Then it did. This stuff keeps happening with movies that are at first available somewhere like Starz or Showtime, then gradually end up only available to rent or purchase from Vudu and Prime and then they just disappear and you can’t even pay extra to see them. You need to hope there’s a DVD out there. Back to HBO, much of the derision is the loss of HBO original series, especially ones that have gone unappreciated and thus may not ever get their due, even in the cult classic arena. My main gripe, however, is the loss of an absolute treasure from HBO’s past; a dumb mid-80s workplace parody movie starring Judge Reinhold and featuring a cast that includes Rick Moranis, Jane Seymour and Danny DeVito. Not only that, it has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. This movie was MADE for this newsletter! But alas, I was feeling lazy earlier this week and never started it, and when I went to watch it last night it was gone. Kaput. Vamoose. Can’t even rent it. What difference a few days makes, huh?
So that was my intro rant. Please cross your fingers that HBO brings Head Office (1985) back to HBO Max so we can enjoy it together. What I’m bringing you in place of this now-lost treasure is two shitty movies about weddings, one I have seen and one that I couldn’t make it through five minutes of before saying “this needs to be an issue of the newsletter”. I have three upcoming theme weeks to hammer you all over the head with, so for today we’re just going to reflect on movies about weddings that suck. Sound good? I hope so. We’re starting with the one I’ve seen. I hated it when I watched it last summer but I knew one day I’d be writing about it, because how could I not? It’s a huge letdown of a comedy, the sole directorial feature from the great Michael Ian Black and it sucks. This one is Wedding Daze from 2006 and it stars Jason Biggs, a frequent player in this newsletter, and Isla Fisher. It has an undeserved 33% on Rotten Tomatoes (too high IMO) and it has a stupid premise. Sounds fun right? Well, you don’t need to know much more, honestly. We’re just going to crack into this one.
Our movie begins with women shopping for lingerie in a VS type store. We then see Anderson (Jason Biggs) also shopping among the women. Off the rip, you already know he’s playing the same weenie ass character that he plays in every movie. A clerk named Claire (Michelle Ray Smith) assists Anderson in purchasing a “much larger” red version of some sparkly underwear. Turns out he’s wearing it as part of an awful Cupid costume. He meets his friend Ted (Michel Weston) outside a restaurant where he plans on proposing to his girlfriend Vanessa (Audra Blaser). Ted tells him it’s a terrible idea but Anderson insists he’s going to do it anyway and Ted helps oil Anderson’s stomach. Vanessa, meanwhile, is smitten with a handsome waiter who tells her he’s in the special forces. She’s like geeked on this dude. Uh oh Anderson! He sits with her and recites Hellen Keller quotes over wine. Anderson enters and gets the attention of the entire restaurant as Vanessa looks on in horror. The waiter, thinking Anderson is an active shooter, tackles him and subdues him. After Vanessa clears up that Anderson is her boyfriend, Anderson reads her his dogshit poem he wrote her. He kneels down to propose and Vanessa has a heart attack.
We cut to Vanessa’s funeral. Way to go, Anderson. Could have just listened to Ted and prevented all of this. Anderson throws the engagement ring in the grave before leaving but the undertaker grabs it, presumably to pawn. We get a montage of Anderson selling his BMW and having bad times at parties where he imagines Vanessa is still alive and with him. Shouldn’t have killed her, bro. we cut to a year later and this asshole is wearing a shirt with a picture of him and Vanessa on it. Jesus Christ what a loser. He gets up in his messy apartment filled with mice and trash. Ted takes him out to a diner and Anderson is still talking about how perfect Vanessa is. Ted is trying to get Anderson to move on with his life, stating she’s been dead twice as long as Anderson knew her. He tells her to look around and he sees waitress Katie (Isla Fisher) get spaghetti thrown at her by a child. Ted tells Anderson to try to put himself out there once and he’ll leave him alone. Anderson asks Katie to marry him. Katie “dazes” out and we get a flashback to the night before of her playing charades with her family and boyfriend William (Chris Diamantopoulos). William uses his round to propose to Katie who has no reaction despite her mother Lois (Joanna Gleason) and stepfather Stuart (Matt Malloy) telling William “yes” for her. In the morning, Lois chastises Katie for telling William she needs time to think it over. Katie asks Lois if she still loves Katie’s father and Lois dodges the question before stating that he was the hottest person she’d ever seen, describing him as a “sex panther” and distinguishes between carnal lust and a mature, loving relationship. Lois seems in denial about how happy she is and Katie departs.
Katie goes to visit her dad Smitty (Joe Pantoliano) in prison. She discusses her uncertainty about William with her father. She also runs her uncertainty by her friends Matador (Ebon Moss-Bachrach) and Jane (Heather Goldenhersh) who think William is lame but a safe bet. Jane insists that the two of them are circus freaks by blood even though they’re diner workers and that their freak opinions don’t matter in general society. This is wrong. Freak opinions matter sometimes more. We meet back at the present with Anderson proposing to Katie, with Ted apologizing for Anderson’s proposal. To both of their surprise, Katie agrees to the proposal, screaming happily and asking Jane to cover her shift so they can go get to know each other. This was a great idea on both their parts. Very thought out.
On the walk, they introduce themselves to each other and have an awkward attempt at the European double-cheek kiss. Isla Fisher seems to flip-flop between her British accent and an American one every sentence. He takes her to sit at the garbage dump because a hill there has a good view. Green flag, Katie, all good guys know the geography of the garbage dump. Katie fastens some loose metal into an engagement ring. The two discuss how they’re not really getting married and how this whole thing is stupid, but then they mention how it does happen in some cultures, and in fact, that’s how Katie’s parents got married. They went to a quickie chapel in Atlantic City. Katie questions whether Anderson was serious when he asked and he says “of course not” but Katie starts to cry. She tells him that crying made her feel better. She tells him she doesn’t think it’s a coincidence that he chose the only girl who would say yes to ask that to. They both affirm they don’t believe in fate so it means more I guess? She then proposes to Anderson and he says yes.
Ted and Anderson discuss this and Ted criticizes him for not starting slow and dating. Anderson insists they are starting slow, with Katie moving in with him immediately. Huh. We get a fun montage of Anderson cleaning his apartment while Katie packs all her stuff and calls William to tell him she can’t marry him. She also leaves a message for her father, telling him the good news. A guard tells Smitty it’s a shame he can’t be out to walk her down the aisle and Smitty’s eyes widen. I guess this is our sign that the prison break-out subplot is coming. Katie leaves her mom’s house and tells Jane and Stuart she’s getting married to Anderson, whom she just met. They aren’t happy about it but she promises to bring him over the next day so they can all meet and she leaves with Matador to head to Anderson’s place, which he has just finished cleaning.
Matador’s car is smoking as they approach and he almost hits Anderson, who is standing in the middle of the road like an idiot. Then he actually does hit Anderson. Matador gets out of the car and screams that he “killed that fellow” with his car. Katie goes to help Anderson but he’s delirious and imagines Vanessa nursing him and then punching him in the head, angry he would marry someone else. Anderson tells Vanessa he’ll never love anyone like he loves her and makes him promise to dump her. Sounds like Saving Silverman Biggs all over again. Back in reality, Matador and Katie bring Anderson inside and icepack his head. Matador leaves and Katie goes to set her stuff up in the bedroom. Anderson’s bitchass tries to weasel his way out of this based on a promise he made to a vision he had of his dead girlfriend when Katie asks him who Vanessa is, as she heard Anderson say her name before he passed out. She finds a picture of Anderson and Vanessa, asking if that was her, and he lies saying he used to be a picture frame model and that picture came with the frame. She believes it because it’s so stupid, it has to be the truth. Anderson’s parents call and he tells them he has a surprise for them tomorrow. Anderson’s parents, Lyle (Edward Herrmann) and Betsy (Margo Martindale), then have sex using whipped cream because this is exactly what we need from a movie.
Anderson and Katie are preparing for their first night in bed as a couple and both seem anxious. Anderson is practicing a speech to get out of this situation while brushing his teeth while Katie tries to be seductive. They discuss meeting each other’s parents the next day. Katie tries to kiss Anderson while he has a mouthful of toothpaste and he spits it in her eye which irritates it. Anderson rushes off to Ted’s apartment under the guise of getting saline solution. Katie calls Jane. Both discuss the stress they are experiencing. Anderson brings up Vanessa and Ted is just disappointed at him. They reconvene and decide it’s time to go to bed but they’re both being so demure. At least we’re halfway through this movie. They have an awkward night where neither can get comfortable in bed.
Katie takes Anderson to meet her mom and stepdad and Anderson is god awful at charades. This isn’t winning him any favor with Lois and Stuart. Stuart shows Anderson his toy workshop where he makes Jewish themed toys. Lois surprises Katie with William, who had been there watching the whole time. He confronts Katie that Anderson sucks at charades and therefore he’ll be a bad partner for Katie. He then psychotically discusses the fact that he planned out their whole lives already and Katie tells him she’s sorry but he needs to go. William insists he’s not done trying to win her back and he leaves. Lunch is awkward and silent and Katie uses it as an excuse to duck out to go meet Anderson’s parents.
On the bus ride to Anderson’s parents, he tells Katie Lois called him a loser. Katie doesn’t care because she likes him. Anderson’s parents seem to take more of a liking to Katie than hers did to Anderson. They have another awkward silent meal, however. Lyle takes Anderson on a walk to discuss the situation and Lyle wants to give Anderson the “birds and bees” talk at his big age. Lyle gifts Anderson with a cockring he bought from a sex worker in Shanghai when he was in the navy. This is like the only string of Michael Ian Black humor I can detect in this mess. Anderson reluctactly accepts the cockring. Meanwhile in prison, Smitty assaults a guard, stealing his weapons and keys, and makes his escape. After dinner, Katie and Betsy bond while drying dishes. Katie pretends she knows about Vanessa but it’s clear she doesn’t when she doesn’t even know that Vanessa died during the proposal. Betsy says her and the community blame Anderson for her death and there were times they told him to kill himself over it. Betsy breaks a plate and threatens Katie not to try and replace Vanessa because she never will.
On the bus ride to Jane’s place, Anderson thinks his mom loves Katie but she wants him to come clean about Vanessa. At Jane’s, Katie, Jane and Matador question Anderson about why he kept it secret and whether or not he’s still in love with Vanessa, which his non-answer answers for him. Katie is upset and tries to get Anderson to come to terms with the fact that he’s in love with a dead woman who’s not coming back. Anderson leaves upset. He takes a walk down to the diner where he proposed while Katie eats ice cream and cries with Jane. Oh yeah, this is like our seventh montage so far. In the morning, Anderson is at his garbage dump lookout spot where Matador finds him. He talks about how he didn’t fit in as a kid because of his circus interests. He makes a comparison between the circus and love itself.
Meanwhile, Smitty has returned to Lois’s house and has Stuart tied up. Smitty uses his animalistic charms on Lois and she’s back in his arms, kissing him, cucking Stuart. She blames Stuart for chasing Katie away and they go to find her. Anderson arrives him, driven by Matador, and Katie is waiting outside. He lets her in and she tells him she’s packing up to leave and he’ll never see her again. She packs and calls for a cab and Anderson tells her not to leave, saying he doesn’t want her to go. They both insult each other but also compliment each other and state they’re into each other, so Katie doesn’t leave. Instead, Anderson goes to Ted’s car dealership and asks to have a car loaned so he can take Katie…somewhere. Ted takes the group out under the guise of a test drive. Smitty and Lois take Stuart’s car out looking for them, determining they know where she’d go to get eloped. Ted’s boss notices the car gone, as we get another montage which includes Katie eating spray cheese from the can, the height of comedy in 1992 but I don’t know about 2006.
Looks like they went to Atlantic City like Katie’s parents. I think. I’m having a tough time keeping up with the small details like locations and events. Katie promises Ted she won’t hurt Anderson and they bond. Meanwhile, William has stalked them to the location and threatens Anderson before beating the shit out of him. Anderson doesn’t know who he is, so he is even more startled that this man is beating him. Matador, Katie and Jane pull William off Anderson and Katie makes the introduction. Cops show up and Ted and the gang leave before the cops note the stolen car, which is being reported by Ted’s boss. Unfortunately, Ted crashes into a cop car on his way out of the lot and the gang gets locked up in a holding cell. Anderson calls his mother to bail him out of jail and Lyle mutters something about they should have taught Anderson better values as they watch two people have sex on the floor in front of them. I don’t really get the joke. They’re horny swinger parents? Whatever. The other horny parents, Smitty and Lois, rob a tuxedo store at gunpoint for a rental for the wedding, which includes measurement and tailoring.
In the holding cell, Ted and Jane have a little flirty moment. The cop watching the jail report to the robbery at the tuxedo store and arrest Smitty and Lois. Katie apologizes to Anderson for William’s behavior and Anderson says that maybe the universe is trying to split them up. Lois and Smitty get brought in and Katie is ecstatic to see them. Anderson’s parents show up to bail him out with Betsy greeting Katie angrily and questioning why Smitty and Lois are there. Lois lies and says Smitty kidnapped her. Manipulative! Lois and a cop pull guns and have some form of a Mexican standoff but Lois gains the upper hand and all the guns, locking the cops in the holding cell. Betsy stops everyone from running.
Katie shoots a gun at the ceiling to get everyone’s attention and tells Anderson she just wants to be with him and doesn’t care about anything else. They both ask each other to marry the other again and everyone, even the cops, cheer them on. They kiss and the cops allow them to escape freely for some reason. They even give them keys to a police van to take them to a chapel. That’s the power of love baby! The gang heads to Atlantic City, going to the 24/7 chapel that Smitty and Lois got married at. Smitty walks Katie down the aisle as the organist stops playing to take photos, a real multitasker.
As vows are being exchanged, Anderson has a hallucination about Vanessa where he tells Vanessa Katie is perfect for him so they need to end things. Turns out the waiter who Vanessa had a crush on killed himself after Vanessa died and they’re now together in the afterlife. Wild stuff right here. Anderson snaps back to the moment and says “I do” and presents Katie with a ring after almost giving her the cockring. They are pronounced husband and wife and they kiss and everyone else kisses. They leave the chapel where they are all immediately stopped by police with Ted’s boss in tow. The cops congratulate Anderson and Katie, even gifting them a blender. William helped pick out the blender and he apologizes to Katie, as he realized he was gay I guess and is in love with one of the cops. God this is such a disaster. It’s like Michael Ian Black was suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning while trying to summon his usual brand of humor. The cops go to arrest the group very cordially but allow them to take wedding photos first. That’s our movie. Finally. It’s over.
Wow this was bad! So dumb! Michael Ian Black, you have let me down good sir. So yeah, this one sucked and I think 33% is WAY too high of a Rotten Tomatoes score. If you’d like to watch and see if you agree, you have options. This one is on Tubi, Youtube and Pluto for free. Thanks for sticking with me but don’t go too far as we have another shitty wedding movie coming up later this afternoon. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.