Well folks, here we are. It’s time for another theme week. This week’s theme is literally the opposite of fun. Like could it be any more painful for me to try and get through? If that subtle hint wasn’t enough to give it away, I have decided to curse you all with Matt Perry Week, a week where we look at the film failings of an actor I do not like one bit, Matthew Perry. He was in the news somewhat recently for his memoir mentioning that he wished Keanu Reeves died of a drug overdose or something to that effect and I figured now’s the time to capitalize on his shitty behavior because as it turns out, he has primarily been in shitty movies. I unfortunately spoiled the week by doing Fools Rush In a few issues back, one I definitely would have included as it fits the theme perfectly. But fortunately for the newsletter, and unfortunately for my time and senses, he has plenty more dogshit in the yard I can scoop.
What piece of trash are we watching today? Three to Tango, the 1999 movie where a wealthy businessman assumes Matt Perry’s character to be gay and hires him to keep an eye on his mistress under the guise of her partner so his wife doesn’t spot her, only for Matt Perry to fall in love with the mistress because he’s not gay. Sounds stupid, right? I have a feeling it is. This one was directed by Damon Santostefano who does not have many film credits, but he did direct one of my favorite episodes of The Adventures of Pete and Pete, so I have some hope for this one even though the premise is stupid. I’m hoping the rest of the cast balances this out, but that is left to be seen. The one big upside of this movie is that the soundtrack seems to be all Swing Revival bands, which if you know me at all, you know is one of my most beloved genres. I can deal with Matt Perry if there’s enough Squirrel Nut Zippers and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy playing. Fingers crossed there’s enough. Let’s press play.
Our movie begins with some Brian Setzer and some swing dancing silhouettes over the title cards so I guess it’s off to a good start. Oh shit, Rick Gomez and Pat Van Horn are in this. That’s awesome. Wonder if Pat Van Horn was brought in to add to the swing element, as he was flush with Swingers related clout in 1999. Rick Gomez makes sense, what with the Pete and Pete connection. We meet our movie’s heroes, architects Oscar (Matthew Perry) and Peter (Oliver Platt), a team of architects who are preparing themselves for a major presentation. Oscar is nervous. He had troubling and confusing stress dreams about the meeting the night before. Matt Perry’s hair is so god awful. Intimidated, they enter the building for their meeting with rich and powerful Charles Newman (Dylan McDermott, who I keep accidentally calling Dermot Mulrooney although that’s someone else entirely), who is in his office rolling around with his mistress Amy (Neve Campbell) and looking over his latest cover photo on Forbes magazine. There is a whole ass bed as well as what appears to be a Buddhist shrine in the middle of the office. Newman prepares to hear proposals for the new cultural center, which I imagine is what Oscar and Peter are presenting. Charles’s secretary warns that his wife called and Amy leaves in a hurry as he prepared to listen to the proposals. I do like the little hits of swing revival between scenes. Peter hypes Oscar’s self-confidence by saying he’s the best partner a man could have.
While waiting, they are taunted by rival architects Strauss and Decker (John C. McGinley and Bob Balaban, respectively). Strauss and Decker are brought in first and come with a large team with suitcases full of presentation materials. Looks like Oscar and Peter are fucked. Strauss and Decker utilize VR headsets and a very 1999-looking version of META to display their project. We’re supposed to be impressed but I’m not. I don’t really care about this project at all. Strauss and Decker are asked whether it's true Oscar and Peter are romantic partners as well as business partners. Strauss tries to clear up that while Peter is gay, Oscar is straight, but Decker decides to lie and say that yes, they are lovers as well as business partners, because this is 1999 and these accusations were thought of as hilarious then I guess. It's time for Oscar and Peter to present and Oscar is nervous and rambling about Buddha. Their presentation is a lot less flashy but seems to actually sell its purpose a lot better than the other guys’ video game round. Charles brings everyone into his office and tells both teams to build models with Charles picking a winner, leading to good press. Decker and Strauss seem nervous since they probably don’t have enough skills. Charles singles out Oscar, saying he likes his style. After the meeting, Oscar and Peter are worried they don’t have the capital to cover it but Peter says not to worry and Oscar exclaims that he loves Peter and hugs him. This is seen by Charles and his secretary who are now both under the impression that Oscar and Peter are a gay couple. Here comes all the “humor” of the entire movie.
At night, Charles goes to visit Amy at her job where she’s like a welder or something that involves hot metal? I don’t know, I have a baby bullshit email job I work from my couch. I have no idea about the specifics of hard labor. Charles insults Amy’s football player ex-boyfriend Kevin (Cylk Cozart) even though Kevin is nearby. I think Amy is some kind of artist because Kevin helps her load stuff in a van to take to a gallery. Later, Charles meets with Oscar and Peter to go over their plans and Charles asks Oscar to speak in private. Charles implies he’s happy to have gay men working for him but Oscar thinks he means having Hungarian people work for him, where he states he’s 100% but Peter’s not (Hungarian, that is). Charles reveals he’s married and has a girlfriend and hires Oscar to go to Amy’s gallery opening and keep an eye on her, keeping her company and steering her away from Kevin. Charles allows this because he thinks Oscar is gay and therefore “not a threat”. Oscar doesn’t really agree but Charles walks away thanking him. Here we go!
Oscar discusses the issue with Peter and their pals, Rick (“Endless Mike” Rick Gomez), Zack (“A Man Named Sue” Pat Van Horn) and Bill (David Ramsey…I don’t really know him from anything else so sorry he doesn’t have a cool nickname), and Oscar tells them all Amy went out with running back Kevin Cartwright before Charles. Peter turns off the TV to discuss with the guys how nervous Oscar gets around pretty women, all of them discussing the fact that he’ll fall in love with her and ruin this for their career futures. Rick jokes that Peter is screwed as Oscar heads out to his “babysitting date” *shudders*. At the gallery, there are photos of flags painted on peoples’ asses. Pretty “artsy” if you ask me. Oscar finds Amy’s exhibit and saves her largest piece from shattering on the ground by diving under it once someone bumps it. Amy thanks Oscar for saving the sculpture and he falls in love with her instantly. They called it. But also, it’s Neve Campbell in ’99 who wouldn’t be in love? Kevin thanks Oscar for saving the sculpture and admits he’s a big fan of Kevin, but accidentally mentions that he knows Kevin has a huge dick, something everyone has been discussing the whole movie. Oscar’s talk sounds like awkward gay flirting I guess if you really imagine it, so I guess this is the whole “no one just discusses things so we have 90 minutes of miscommunication” for a movie. Amy thanks Oscar and invites him to the after party to truly thank him.
In the cab on the ride over, Amy admits she knows Oscar’s name from his proposal to Charles. They bond a little as the taxi’s engine sputters and dies. Oscar pops the hood to check the engine, but it explodes in his face. Not enough to injure him, sadly. That was mean, I know. It begins raining as they walk to the after party and they have some slapstick occur. Somehow this leads to flirting and bonding over their mutual quirks. They end up at a diner and order tuna melts even though they were supposed to go to an after party. Amy asks Oscar if he’s seeing anyone and turns out they have even more in common! Whadaya know! This shit is so predictable already, but alas, this is the task I signed up for. Their tuna melts arrive, looking kinda plasticky. After the mean, Oscar is ready to puke and shit his pants while Amy is fine because her mother was an awful cook growing up so she can stomach anything. Oscar pukes all over the sidewalk then Amy pukes from seeing him puke. This is quite a movie. They get a cab to continue onto the party and Amy whacks Oscar in the nuts by accident.
At the end of the night, Oscar walks her back to her apartment and she invites him to watch her at her artist workshop before they part ways. As the sun rises, Oscar gets home in a celebratory mood. Peter confronts Oscar about being in love with Amy despite their disaster of a night, mentioning that this could destroy their chances at this contract with Charles. Oscar doesn’t seem to care. He just keeps gushing on about how great Amy is. Peter makes Oscar promise to keep his distance but there’s still like an hour left of this movie so we all know that won’t happen.
As the guys continue their work, Charles calls Oscar to ask how his night with Amy went. He asks Oscar to spend as much time as possible with Amy so he can continue to keep an eye on her. Charles is a dangerous and awful man! Dangling a work opportunity in front of someone who he assumes is vulnerable population and using that person’s desperation for the job to SPY ON HIS MISTRESS SO NO ONE ELSE WIL HAVE HER. BRO JUST DIVORCE YOUR WIFE AND MARRY AMY IF YOU’RE SO WORRIED JESUS. Peter goes off on a rant about his kidneys but Oscar is happy to continue the little charade as he gets more time with Amy. Amy, meanwhile, turns down an expensive gift from Charles and tells him she’d proud of him for being confident enough to go out on her own. She mentions how she met Oscar the night before and Charles informs her that he’s gay but Amy seems bummed about this, thinking she genuinely met someone who was into her.
Oscar goes to watch Amy work. We now know she is a glassblower. She admits she “almost” had a crush on him when they first hung out. She then comes clean telling Oscar that she’s dating Charles outside his marriage. She asks how Oscar found out about her show and he lies but she sees through it. Oscar admits that yes, he was hired to watch her, but upon meeting her, he was interested in knowing the real her. She accepts but makes him promise not to lie to her ever again. Amy, let’s remember, is under the assumption he’s gay, and I don’t know if Oscar knows that Charles and Amy think this yet. They continue to hang out and Amy expresses how she feels comfortable around Oscar. They decide to have some champagne and maybe get dinner after she takes a shower. They toast to some champagne right as Charles shows up uninvited. Charles sees the scene and tells Oscar “if you weren’t gay I’d kill you” because Amy is in a kimono drinking champagne with him. Oscar says he’s not gay but neither of them believe him? They tell him his business is his business and he runs away screaming as he realizes what’s going on here.
He shows up to Peter’s house where he is having one of his many dinner parties, which Peter says he throws because that’s what gay guys do? Oscar has to yell “they thought I was gay!” like he’s Playboi Carti to be heard over the frothing of milk on the cappuccino machine. Oscar goes on a mildly homophobic rant before apologizing. Peter says he’s ashamed that a guy like Oscar could be confused for a gay man. This seems like some territory my cishet male self can’t really critique much but I do like how Peter stands up to Oscar’s bigoted insecure remarks. Oscar wants help changing perception, but notices Peter is enjoying this spectacle. He says he warned Oscar this wouldn’t go well and, tongue-in-cheekily, invites Oscar to the next dinner party as some Big Bad Voodoo Daddy plays on the soundtrack. Hell yea. We get a little montage where Oscar worries if he’s acting “too effeminate” because 1999.
Oscar tells his buddies he’s swearing off women for a while, as he doesn’t like what’s happening to him with Amy, when Amy arrives with all her stuff and asks to move in. The fellas head out and Amy and Oscar bond over her belongings. Why does she assume she can just move in with someone she just met? Was this a thing in 1999? Oscar tells her all his friends are gay when she asks. She mentions that she’s been dodging her landlord and has nowhere else to go, as she has no friends just guys she sleeps with. Turns out Charles is right behind her and enters to see Amy. He tells her he got her a room at the Four Seasons but Amy wants to stay with Oscar. There is an awkward moment and Oscar goes to bed, listening to loud music in his headphones so he doesn’t have to hear Amy and Charles fucking on his couch. Doesn’t Charles have to spend every night with his wife? Wasn’t that the whole reason Oscar had to watch Amy? I guess not because Charles is still there in the morning doing yoga. I do not understand Charles.
The news interviews Oscar and Peter about the contest with Charles, nudging Oscar to speak on behalf of the gay community but Oscar gives a speech asking for acceptance based on a person’s character and Peter has to remind Oscar he’s not gay. Squirrel Nut Zippers play as Amy brings Oscar to a bar where she has Kevin hang wit them. Oscar, a huge fan, fanboys all over Kevin ignoring Amy. She goes to leave them together and they drink which leads to them playing football with a shoe in a nearby park. Kevin tackles Oscar and confesses he’s attracted to Oscar, which causes a moment of shock as Oscar feels Kevin’s large penis stiffen against his leg. Kevin confesses that he’s newly out of the closet and told Amy he thought Oscar was cute when they first met. He asked Amy to set them up and invites Oscar to his place. Oscar makes an excuse saying he’s flattered but in love with someone who’s called for and Amy didn’t know. I guess that’s true, especially since he didn’t gender anyone in the discussion. Kevin gives him a really long hug to comfort him.
Oscar gets home and makes Amy promise not to sneak attack a date for him again and also promises to keep Kevin’s secret as he’s not fully out yet. Amy invites Oscar in to talk about it while she takes a bath. She mentions how Kevin’s huge meat was a problem in their relationship. She also mentions to Oscar she had a lesbian experimentation in college, lamenting that she could never tell a “straight” guy about that time because they always get creepy about it. Oscar listens intently, and we can almost see the blood rushing away from his brain as she discusses more details. He creeps on Amy as she gets out of the bath using a cleared spot on a foggy mirror to look at her. The next morning, Oscar and Peter are on the front page of the business section of the paper as proud gay businessmen. All the cast members read the article separately. Zack goes to Alcoholics Anonymous and accidentally says “My name’s Zack and I’m…gay?” as he sees the paper. Rick electrocutes himself in the bathtub due to shock. This is a dangerous lie!
On Oscar’s morning commute, gay men smile at him and pretty women recognize him from the paper. Oscar meets with his friends and they all assume he’s gay even though he says he’s not. The guys mention they had already been suspicious that Oscar was gay. Oscar’s mom calls and Oscar clears up the fact that the paper is mistaken but Oscar’s dad is a raging homophobe trashing his house out of disappointment. Amy invites Oscar over for “girls night” where he drinks margaritas and him and some women dish about guys. I thought Amy didn’t have any friends? Who the hell is this group? Oscar goes off on a rant about how he’s not a piece of meat or something. Amy sighs quietly to a friend that Oscar would be the perfect mate if he wasn’t gay. Oscar hears this and has to choke down a marg to hide his nerves.
Oscar and Amy sleep holding each other lovingly after getting tired watching a movie, both of them with a sense of longing in their eyes. At a gala to show both teams’ models for Charles’s center, Charles discusses how Oscar’s gay and Peter’s not with Peter, who just laughs off the misunderstanding. Oscar and Peter seem to have won the contest, but more importantly, a LGBTQ publication comes up to Oscar and tells him he won “Gay Professional Man of the Year” at an awards ceremony they will be having. Peter is annoyed but seems entertained, saying he doesn’t know anyone who deserves it more. Charles immediately sees dollar signs and wants to call the papers to let them know that he has this award-winning architect behind him. I gotta do some digging in a newspaper archive to see if Gay Professional Man of the Year was ever a category anywhere. That sounds lit. Charles is pissed, however, when he notices Amy speaking to his wife Olivia (Kelly Rowan). Uh oh!
Charles takes Oscar over to interrupt and Oscar grabs Amy before she can greet Charles. She seems heartbroken upon learning that the woman she was just talking to is Charles’s wife. C’mon Amy this can’t be too heartbreaking for you. You’re the other woman! Oscar has an awkward introduction with Olivia and chases after Amy as she storms out. She admits that meeting Olivia wasn’t so bad but seems like she’s barely keeping it together. She drags Oscar off to a blues bar to get hammered and forget her problems. Amy mentions how Olivia was nice and how she’s probably in the clear since Olivia didn’t seem to notice the awkwardness. She then makes Oscar dance with her. She asks him if he ever kissed a woman before and goes in for the kiss. They almost connect but Amy stops herself and is weirded out, running out of the club. Oscar goes after her and she’s mad she fell for Oscar, stating she enjoys “every kind of unavailable man” and apologizes for trying to kiss Oscar. She insists she’s fine but Oscar calls her out, saying she has no future with him. She states she “gets what she needs” from him, but clearly she doesn’t because she needs a full relationship, not the role of obedient side-piece. Oscar calls Amy out on the fact that Charles already has a wife and that the reason she and Charles have never fought is because Charles doesn’t care enough about her to fight with her. She argues back saying Oscar hasn’t had a date since they met so he’s no expert on relationships. In few words, it seems their friendship is ending. Amy walks away as Oscar is unable to say how he truly feels. Wait, don’t they still live together? Awkwaaaaard!
We get a montage of Oscar out in public with everything reminding him of Amy, including a man vomiting. Oscar goes to Charles to see if he’s seen Amy as she’s missing. Charles tells Oscar how disappointed he is in him for letting Amy get away. Oscar tells Charles he should be mad at himself. Charles reminds Oscar that he just gave him a $90 million job and he can’t insult Charles. Charles also mentions his fling with Amy is more important than their friendship. Lol. LMAO even. I love when guys insist they have a meaningful relationship with the woman they’re CHEATING ON THEIR WIFE WITH like c’mon bro. at the Gay Pride Awards, Oscar is going over his speech cards and mentally preparing to accept his award. He tells Peter he’s looking forward to getting this over with so they can start the project. He says he’ll “pretend to be gay for a while” and can “sneak off to straight bars” to have heterosexual relations. Peter tells Oscar he can just…go after a woman who’s not Amy but Oscar insists Amy is the one for him.
Oscar goes to accept his award. He begins his speech when he sees Amy in the crowd. He decides to reroute and state that the only other time he won an award, he had cheated to win it and still feels guilty about it. Peter smiles at him from the side of the stage. Oscar tells the crowd he admires them for being honest about who they are and having the backbone to admit the truth about themselves. He then confesses that he’s “coming out of the closet” as straight. His father, in the crowd, is so overjoyed he kisses Zack. JFC. Oscar confesses to Amy that he loves her. THREE WEEKS! THEY BOTH SAID THEY LOVE THE OTHER ONE AFTER THREE WEEKS. Not even, since she’s been missing a few days. These two are LOONEY! Oscar apologizes and states that everyone deserves honesty and Kevin stands up to clap, leading a large crowd applause for Oscar finally telling the truth. I’m so glad the straight guy’s feefees aren’t hurt! As if vulnerable populations don’t have to do enough emotional labor, they all have to prop up this dipshit’s warped ego. Oscar chases Amy as news cameras follow. Peter threatens Charles to calm down. Oscar’s family and friends watch on TV as Amy punches him out for lying to her. Charles then approaches and she punches him too. Wait, did Oscar reveal he was hired to watch her? I think I missed that. How does she even know lmao. Anyway…Charles fires Oscar and Peter but Oscar doesn’t care because he doesn’t like Charles and tells him to his face.
Kevin and Peter discuss Oscar’s speech and it looks like we have a meet-cute between these two. Kevin insinuates he actually has a huge cock as are the rumors and Peter and Kevin go for a drink together. Of course, the only two gay characters with names end up together. It’s late 90s Hollywood, what else do you expect? Charles goes back to the shitty diner and orders a tuna melt, ready to put himself and his guts through hell as penance. Amy finds him and confronts him to admit the truth about what he had done. Then she tells him she gets the left side of the bed, referencing a conversation they had previously. Outside, they share an intimate kiss. Back at Charles’s office, Olivia confronts Charles about Amy being his mistress and tells him she rehired Oscar and Peter because they did the better job designing the cultural center. She then tells him to put on red panties and implies that she’s going to peg him, and that’s our movie.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I didn’t hate this. Sure, I hate the general homophobia and the fact that it’s one of those movies where literally all the confusion could be cleared up with like one moment of actual conversation, but I did not hate this movie. Touché, cast and crew. I expected this one to wear on me but the cast was great, the soundtrack was phenomenal, and dare I say it? Matthew Perry was not completely insufferable in this. It may have only scored a 29% on Rotten Tomatoes, but it gets a little bit higher than that with me at least. Want t judge for yourself? This one is currently free on Tubi and YouTube. Stick around this week. I’ll be back with even more Matt Perry nonsense. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.