I must say, Matt Perry week is turning out to be a pretty solid success. I truly enjoyed our last two features, even though I expected not to. I feel as if today is the day where the winds change course, however, as we round this week out with a couple of features that I know won’t be as enjoyable. Today’s selection should be VERY enjoyable to me in theory. It’s the sequel to one of my all-time favorite movies and it sucks. Bad movie? Familiar intellectual property? That’s usually all it takes for me. However, I’ve seen this one a few times and it’s kind of the polar opposite of the original in terms of enjoyment. That’s not gonna stop me from writing about it!
What are we watching today? The Whole Ten Yards, the 2004 sequel to The Whole Nine Yards, which as previously stated is one of my favorite movies. It’s primarily the same cast, but there was a change in directors between Nine and Ten. While Nine was masterfully directed by Jonathan Lynn, Ten was directed by Howard Deutch, director of one of my all-time favorite bad flicks (and early issue of this newsletter) Getting Even with Dad, and for working with John Hughes on some of the less-celebrated late 80s Brat Pack movies. Unfortunately, Howard did not bring the same game to the field as Jonathan, and what we are left with is the wasted potential of what could have been an excellent sequel. While Nine isn’t critically lauded, it did great at the box office and everyone I have spoken to about Nine loved it, although I’m not sure if it’s widely held as a “cult classic” in the sense that other films of its ilk would be. Ten was a whole different ballgame, barely making back half of its budget and sitting at a disgraceful 4% on Rotten Tomatoes. Now that I’ve prepared you and myself for disappointment, it’s time to press play. Side note, I would definitely recommend watching Nine before reading this or watching this.
Our movie begins with a flashback to Hungary in 1961 with some boys fighting while László Gogolák (Kevin Pollak) counts cash in an office. László stops them from fighting and tells them they need to sharpen up as one day they’ll be in charge of his empire as long as they work together. Back in 2004 in Mexico, Jill St. Claire Tudeski (Amanda Peet) exits a plane and gets a ride with a car service. A newspaper states that László has been released from prison. She enters a spacious house and greets her husband Jimmy The Tulip Tudeski (Bruce Willis) who is cleaning the house and surprises Jill with a crib mobile for the child they hope to conceive, featuring dolls of all their favorite hitmen. Jill and Jimmy are professional hitmen, well hitpeople because Jill is not a man. Jill is complaining to Jimmy that she failed to kill the target she had been after earlier in the day, despite following his instructions to a T. A ringing phone in the room of her target caused her to bump into shit, making her crime scene into a huge mess. Instead of shooting her, the guy slips on her mess and crashes through a window to his death. Jimmy states that they should chalk this up to a killing as she did cause the guy’s death, but Jill cries because she wants to directly cause their death, complaining that every job she’s recently had has been finished by her target accidentally dying due to a freak accident. Jill complains that she married a contract killer not a housekeeper, but Jimmy is in hiding as he faked his death so he needs to keep up his housekeeper appearance. Jill then complains about issues with their sex life, but Jimmy wants to talk about the cilantro marinade he prepared for dinner. Jill complains that Jimmy may be impotent as she has gone to see a fertility specialist who said the issue with conception did not lie with her.
László gets out of prison and is greeted by Strabo (Frank Collison), one of László’s sons. In Brentwood, CA, Dr. Nick Oseransky a/k/a Oz (Matthew Perry) is using his elaborate home surveillance system and annoying his wife Cynthia (Natasha Henstridge). Cynthia is more annoyed with Oz’s paranoia that someone is coming for their lives but she notices the newspaper report of László’s release. The doorbell rings and a paranoid Oz grabs a gun and answers it in his underwear but its just a Girl Scout selling cookies. Doesn’t stop him from acting like a psycho and interrogating her. Cynthia is pissed he’s acting like this to a child, especially as Cynthia was expecting the girl to come by with the cookies. She tries to reassure him that anyone who would come for Oz is now dead or in jail so he can relax, but this is the start of a movie so we know that’s not the case. If you’re wondering why Oz is so paranoid, go watch the last film. A little background though, Cynthia used to be married to Jimmy, who Oz has helped fake his own death. Anyway, over in Riverside, László and Strabo bring some kidnapped goons to a construction site and László shoots them to death after telling them to warn everyone he’s back in town. Sound logic. Strabo has a sweet sweater, gold chain, leather jacket combo. He and László leave, with László using a remote detonator to explode the car at the site, killing the other men that were there with them.
Jill calls Oz and asks him about his new dental practice. She was his dental assistant in the first one. Jill asks Oz if Jimmy and Cynthia have been talking because she thinks something’s up with Jimmy. Oz has some really sweet shades on that would have been way cooler like 3 years earlier than this movie. Strabo and László spy on Oz from nearby, noting that they have to get revenge on him for events of the previous film. Seriously, I hope you watched Nine before reading this far. Strabo enters Oz’s dental practice under the guise of needing an appointment and cocks his gun to kill Oz, but Oz gets a phone call and sticks nitrous on Strabo, which renders him incapacitated and he thrashes around trying to gain control. Cynthia is on the phone and tells Oz she’s finally pregnant and the two of them are overjoyed. Oz leaves for lunch and tells his secretary to call 9-1-1 as Strabo is unconscious. László watches disappointed from his car as an ambulance arrives.
Oz and Cynthia go out for lunch to celebrate and Cynthia once again calls Oz out for his paranoia. Afterwards, Cynthia is in her car and calls Jimmy to discuss László getting out of prison. They reveal that they are still in cahoots on something they’re both keeping from their spouses and Jimmy flirts with Cynthia. At night, Oz arrives home with flowers for Cynthia but she’s not there. László and Strabo are, however, and Strabo punches Oz before forcing him to take a seat. László explains that Cynthia has been kidnapped and is safe. László is offended that OZ doesn’t know him, especially as Oz was present for the killing of Janni, László’s other son. Oz argues that Jimmy killed Janni and he’s dead now. Strabo goes to shoot Oz for not revealing Jimmy’s location, but slapstick shit happens and he shoots one of his goons as Oz escapes in his car. In the morning, Oz is still driving around and calls his office to cancel all his appointments for the next week. At László’s house, they prepare to head to Mexico to find Jimmy with Cynthia in tow. Cynthia is still pretending that Jimmy is dead but László did the math on the fact that Jimmy’s dental records confirmed his death and Oz, a friend of Jimmy’s, is a dentist.
Oz makes his way down to Mexico where he calls Jill, who’s busy shaving Jimmy’s head. Jimmy grabs the phone and yells at Oz for contacting them, but Oz insists they meet so he can talk to Jimmy. Jimmy says no, tells him he’ll shoot him if he comes to the house, and hangs up, but Oz is on his way anyway. Jimmy shoots at Oz continually as Oz exits his vehicle as promised. Oz ran over one of Jimmy’s chickens and Jimmy is beside himself but Oz tries to explain the predicament they’re in. It’s no use. Inside the house, Oz tries to explain what happened, but Jimmy insists on serving some kind of lobster dinner for them all while they discuss. Oz asks for Jimmy’s help while letting him know László knows Jimmy is still alive. Jill and Oz want Jimmy to get back into “the game” but Jimmy likes being a househusband. Jill demands he helps get Cynthia back, but Jimmy is resolved to discuss it over dinner. The lobster dinner does look really good but Jimmy is mad that he let the sauce clot, ruining the final presentation. Oz mentions that Cynthia is pregnant and Jimmy cries while Jill congratulates Oz. Jimmy insists he’s not uprooting his life to help Oz or Cynthia, but a storm of bullets begins raining on the house as László and the goons have arrived. Jill takes some shots at them but Jimmy ushers her, Oz and himself off to safety through a hidden passage and they escape in Oz’s Porsche. They stop by László’s car and shoot out the tires before hitting the road. On the phone, László tells Strabo they escaped and they need more time and tells him to “keep Cynthia happy” which makes Strabo give a creepy look.
Oz, Jimmy and Jill dump his car in a crowded town. Jill and Jimmy keep accusing Oz of being a rat. Jimmy gets aggressive which turns Jill on. They get bus tickets to LA because Jimmy assumes László tracked Oz with his car’s GPS. László and the goons find out that the gang bought bus tickets to LA and make a plan to cut them off on the way there. The gang is renting a car to get the rest of the way back. I’m curious how Jimmy got through the border, as there’s no way he had a fake passport just in his pocket when they ran for it. Jimmy assaults a man (Ned Bellamy) in front of the man’s son for being rude to a waitress at a diner. That’s how rude customers should be dealt with. Meanwhile, Cynthia is being flirty with Strabo as they decorate the apartment for a party. She tells Strabo that László thinks Strabo is stupid, and Strabo slaps Cynthia and runs off to find László, leaving Cynthia under the care of László’s mother Anya (Elisa Galley), allowing her a chance to escape. Jill and Jimmy are still up in the air as to whether they should kill Oz or not. Jimmy insists he doesn’t care what happens to Cynthia, but Oz calls him out for still wearing an heirloom crucifix of Cynthia’s, proving he does care. Jimmy is about to kill Oz when László and the goons arrive. Cynthia has locked Anya in a room and is busting open the safe while she has privacy. She gathers some money and supplies before heading out.
The gang witnesses Strabo park at the bus station and Jimmy grabs him by surprise at gunpoint. The gang pulls up on László and shows him that they have Strabo. He gives László info on where they’ll make the exchange for Cynthia and they head out with László pissed realizing no one is watching Cynthia. They head to a motel where Jill and Jimmy are in the middle of an argument over Cynthia’s crucifix. Jill thinks Jimmy’s still in love with Cynthia. He ends up pulling a gun on Jill and telling her the crucifix is his good luck charm, which causes her to storm off. László and the goons arrive back home to find Cynthia and Anya drinking tea. László is surprised to see Cynthia still there and realizes she has probably stolen from them. In the motel room, Strabo sits tied up talking with Oz while Jill and Jimmy fight. Jill is even more mad that Jimmy has been inspired to get back into action over Cynthia despite her asking him to return to contract killing for two years. Oz tries to mediate the couple but it’s no use. Jimmy realizes Jill has been talking about Jimmy’s erectile dysfunction and he spirals in anger, heading out to get drunk at a bar.
Oz follows Jimmy where Jimmy is drunk and emotional, believing the bad actions of his past are causing god to keep him impotent. Oz suggests adoption, but Jimmy notes his criminal past and faked death, opining that it might be easier to just steal a child. Back in the room, Jill is flipping the pistol around in her hand and seeing Amanda Peet handle guns unleashes something primal inside me. The scene of her topless holding the gun in the first movie is one of my all-time favorite scenes in the history of cinema. Strabo propositions she sleep with him. Jimmy and Oz, both drunk and burping, discuss Cynthia’s pregnancy but Jimmy goes off on tangents about fun times he and Cynthia had together, much to Oz’s chagrin. Jimmy, extremely fucked up and emotional, stands up and charges headfirst at a table of empty glasses. Real “Dudes Rock” behavior. In the morning, Jimmy and Oz wake up together in the motel bed, neither of them remembering how they got there. Oz thinks Jimmy topped him as his ass hurts, but Jimmy insists he fell down the stairs. Jill greets them and Jimmy goes out to get them all some coffee.
Alone, Jill gets down to her undies and awkwardly tries to seduce Oz. He’s flustered, as it’s a partially nude Amanda Peet in front of him, but it doesn’t really work. He falls on Jill right as Jimmy enters. Jimmy is extra pissed as he thinks Oz is being intimate with his current wife when he already has his ex-wife. He throws Jimmy around but the moment causes some heated passion and Jimmy and Jill go into the motel room to bang while Strabo waits tied up with Oz. Jimmy yells “yippie-kai-yay” as he climaxes as a little in-joke for all us Bruce Willis fans. Oz goes to investigate the stairs he supposedly fell down and can’t find them. Jimmy calls László and arranges the trade, but tells Oz they’re going to need more ammo before they meet. At Oz’s house, Strabo tries to cut his binds with a knife while Oz shows Jill his gun collection. Strabo falls down the basement stairs freeing himself, but no one hears him as Oz also falls at the same time.
Strabo escapes with the car keys and hides in the trunk. Jimmy calls László and tells him to meet at the Beverly Center in an hour, but László wants to speak to Strabo. When Oz goes to find him, he sees Strabo has escaped. They realize he’s in the trunk and he took the keys with him, trapping them there. Strabo’s pretty stupid though because I’m pretty sure he’ll suffocate in there. Oz tries to figure out the trunk release button but a sniper starts shooting at the gang. László can’t remember if he hired a shooter. Jimmy hotwires the car and they head to the motel where they find Strabo dead in the trunk, shot in the foot from the sniper and dead from bleeding out. I thought he would have suffocated but I guess this makes sense. Jimmy chastises Jill for not following the contract killer code of conduct and watching Strabo. Oz wants to go meet László but Jimmy insists Cynthia is as good as dead now that Strabo is dead. Jill has had enough and goes to leave, telling Jimmy he’ll never see her again. She speeds off in their rental, leaving Jimmy and Oz at the motel. Jimmy tells Oz he’s on his own.
Jill is driving around crying. In the room, Jimmy insists to Oz that Cynthia’s not totally innocent in all of this, before realizing Jill has his bag which he needs. Jill opens the bag and finds a ripped half of a dollar bill. László calls to talk to Strabo and Oz stalls, pretending he lost service to buy them time. Jimmy calls Jill and she confronts him about only calling because she took his bag. She makes him tell the truth about how he was working with Cynthia to try and find László’s other half of the ripped dollar bill and she’s pissed he didn’t include her. He insists it was to protect her but she doesn’t believe him. Jimmy tells Jill to do everything he told her and she’ll be fine before heading up to join Oz at his practice. Oz arrives and tells his receptionist Julie (Tasha Smith) that Cynthia was kidnapped and they need to call the FBI and halt on appointments indefinitely until she’s found. I really like the acrylic brick and plants in Oz’s office. Oz confesses the entirety of his predicament to Julie, losing his composure in the most Matt Perry way possible. He tells Julie to call the FBI and heads into one of the exam rooms where he smashes his head against the wall repeatedly. Jimmy enters willing to help. The two form a truce, implying they’re friends now. Aww. Julie comes up and chloroforms Jimmy, causing him to faint. She then pulls a gun on Oz, revealing herself to be the sister of Frankie Figs, who Jimmy killed with Oz present in the previous movie.
Oz groggily comes to tied up in a chair in László’s apartment with Cynthia and Jimmy also tied up. Cynthia apologizes to Jimmy for not being able to find “it” (the half of the dollar bill) and they get into an argument where Oz pieces that they’ve been working together, realizing this was the plan the whole time and this was a setup to get Cynthia and Jimmy together to find the bill. Oz calls her out for betraying their marriage vows and almost getting him killed. László comes in and confronts Jimmy, mad that he taught Jimmy everything only for Jimmy to betray him. László slaps Jimmy multiple times over Janni’s death and demands to see Strabo. Oz insists they all be let go by 11 or Strabo dies. Jill buzzes at the door and insists she come in to talk business. On the video monitor, she shows Strabo in the car, who she has jerry-rigged to make him look alive, and demands to come in to talk or she explodes the car. She enters and demands everyone drop their weapons or she user her remote detonator to kill Strabo. She demands Cynthia and Oz be untied but leaves Jimmy. Cynthia and Oz kiss and Jill presents László with the other half of the dollar bill. She demands she work for László and become his most loyal hitter. He orders her to kill Jimmy in one shot as a test to join his team and demands she do it on the spot. She rips the crucifix off and throws it to Cynthia before aiming the gun to Jimmy. She demands Jimmy say he’s not in love with Cynthia anymore but he states he’ll always carry feelings for her as his ex-wife. Jimmy taunts Jill for only being able to kill her targets with wild accidents. Jill mentions Jimmy’s erectile dysfunction which Cynthia states was never a problem with her. Jimmy continues taunting Jill and she shoots him in the heart, causing him to topple over dead. Jill tears up as László sends his men to get Strabo. László gives a gun to Julie to shoot Jill. László takes the other half of the dollar and joins it with his, stating it’s the first dollar he ever stole.
Outside, the car explodes when the goons go to touch it and the windows of László’s hideout are blown out. László goes to shoot Jill but Oz slams him over the head with a chair before Jimmy pops back to life and shoots all the goons dead. Jill had shot him with a blank as this was part of a classic scheme, the “Smokie Switcheroo” and Cynthia is annoyed that Oz can’t keep up. László yells about them killing Strabo and Jimmy tells him that Julie, the sniper he had hired, shot Strabo when she was aiming at the gang. László grabs Jill’s gun and shoots Julie before he is once again brought to submission. Jimmy has Jill tie László up. Jill wants to kill him but Jimmy won’t allow it, finally confessing that László is his father. László taunts Jimmy so Jimmy has Jill shoot László in the foot. Jimmy takes the two halves of the dollar bill and the gang and Cynthia escape before the cops arrive. Jimmy, Jill and Cynthia celebrate that they’re all rich but Oz needs to be filled in. Turns out, the dollar bill had numbers for a secret bank account with access to $280 million, half of which goes to Oz and Cynthia. Jill then states that she’s pregnant and Jimmy sobs with happiness. The cops arrest László and that’s our movie.
Yeah, so not as good as Nine but you know what? It was better than I remembered it being the last time I watched it. I’m starting to think Matt Perry movies are unfairly shit on by critics because there is a pattern this week of these movies having horrible scores but they’re actually quite enjoyable little romps. No, this is no Nine but it’s definitely worth watching, especially if you’re a fan of the first movie. It’s definitely worth a lot more than a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, and that’s something I’ll stand by. If you want to watch this one for yourself, it’s currently streaming on HBO Max. I’ll be back tomorrow with the final installment of Matt Perry Week. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.