The Sweetest Thing (2002)

A romantic comedy without the sugar.

Sheesh, I didn’t realize I haven’t written an issue since Halloween! My bad, folks. How could I leave you this long without the juicy, terrible movie synopses that you’ve come to expect and love? Hands up, that’s on me. I promise I won’t let it happen again. I’ll even go one step further and raise the bar and promise you multiple issues this week. That’s right, I’m getting awfully close to issue 100 and I’m just itching to arrive, so I feel as if this will be a productive week. I have some special plans for issue 100, as well as more special plans for after that, but I’ll update you on those when the time comes. For now, we’re going to get into a movie that I’ve probably seen ten times and still can’t tell you what it’s about, aside from remembering like three jokes total from the film. It’s not the worst movie, but it does suck and despite having watched it in the last year, I still have not written about it, so here we are.

What are we watching today? The Sweetest Thing, the 2002 romcom starring Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate and Selma Blair. This one did okay at the box office but sports a 26% on Rotten Tomatoes and it’s a quick watch, so it’s the perfect candidate for the newsletter. As I stated earlier, I’m surprised I haven’t done this one yet. This one was directed by Roger Kumble, the mastermind behind such other classics as Cruel Intentions and the ill-advised Cruel Intentions prequel, Cruel Intentions 2, so you know you’re in for a real treat. We all are. Without much else to say, we might as well press play.

Our movie begins with interviews with various men about Christina Walters (Cameron Diaz) where she is described as “not the commitment type” and the kind of woman who can have any man she desires. They have all dated her so they all sound kind of bitter about her not being into them. One of them references Swingers and waiting three days to call a woman after getting her number. Swingers is my favorite movie so this is fun for me. These guys are extremely hung up on her. She must have that je ne sais quoi. Or she’s Cameron Diaz. Not too hard to figure it out. One guy keeps insisting she’s a lesbian because she’s not into him, very 2002, and he ends up getting beaten by a group of women with baseball bats so that’s cool.

We meet Christina who is dancing horribly down the block. She takes a call from her bestie Courtney (Christina Applegate) where they discuss their days. Christina is an interior designer and Courtney is a divorce lawyer. They run into each other on the street and yell “coochie!” and dance. They arrive back at their apartment to their other bestie and roommate Jane (Selma Blair) who is heartbroken over a breakup with her boyfriend. Jane is reading a book on the “ten commandments of love” which Christina deems bullshit and tells her that dating is all about boundaries, with which Courtney agrees. Christina tells Jane to look for “Mr. Right Now” and she’ll eventually find “Mr. Right” after she learns to have some fun with the people she dates. The gals take Jane out to a club despite Jane’s protests. They are instantly let it at the door despite the huge line. I don’t blame the bouncer; they look spectacular. Courtney and Christina have fun dancing while Jane sits around awkwardly. They ditch some dorks who try and dance with them and jump on Jane on some weird waterbed as a guy at the bar (Johnathon Schaech) sends them (not Jane) martinis. Courtney goes to talk to him and Jane wants to leave because she’s not having fun. Christina grabs a random man, Peter (Thomas Jane), and has him dance with Jane to keep her there. He tries to leave with a feeble excuse and Christina calls him a dick when he’s still in earshot. He confronts her and they get into an argument. She smarmily tells Peter Jane could be the girl of his dreams but now he'll never know and Peter sarcastically replies that that’s “the sweetest thing” (I LOVE when they say the movie title!) that he always knew some stranger would force him to be introduced to his soul mate. Obviously, the sexual tension between these two needs to be explored, Peter and Christina that is.

Peter calls Christina out on many of her traits in her dating life and walks away, leaving Christina embarrassed and flustered having to face herself. In the bathroom, a woman cries and vomits graphically. Christina is pissed about Peter calling her out for her behavior and vents to Courtney who calls her out for being so hung up on what a random guy said to her. She also calls her on knowing Peter’s name. A couple women are interested in Courtney’s breast implants so she lets them just like feel her up, like a group of random women. This movie was literally made for the male gaze and you can’t convince me Roger Kumble didn’t have a hand down his pants while directing.

Outside the bathroom, Christina bumps into Peter, spilling his drink. She takes the opportunity to get him a replacement where he apologizes for his previous behavior and mentions he was distracted because he needed to meet his brother and also nervous that a woman like Christina approached him. She apologizes for being rude and they make amends. He goes back to his friends as she smiles and tries to find Courtney, who’s making out with the guy who bought her martini. She gives her drink to the waitress and mentions she “struck out” with a guy when Peter runs back to point out Jane making out with some other guy, joking it could have been him if he hadn’t been such a dick. They begin flirting when Peter’s brother Roger (Jason Bateman) barges in telling him to hurry up and that some drunk women are waiting for them back at their hotel. A woman vomits on Roger. Roger then comes over and crudely hits on Christina on Peter’s behalf which is horribly embarrassing. Roger mentions that Peter is a great guy who’s in Roger’s wedding on Saturday before being escorted away by security. Peter mentions that the wedding is in Somerset where they live. Peter invites her and her friends to their hotel party but wishes her farewell in case he doesn’t see her.

Christina goes home and Courtney calls, telling her she’s a loser for not hooking up with Peter while she (Courtney) is off hooking up with the guy from the bar. Christina lays down and sticks her hand down her pants because, once again, Roger Kumble was horny as shit making this. Christina slips into a dream where she has a ravishing orgasm after Peter goes down on her, requesting to repeat on the hour every hour. This dream is wish fulfillment of if she had gone back to Peter’s hotel. Room service brings a tray of ice creams and Peter goes down on her again. She wakes up and calls the hotel, trying to find Peter’s room, but it seems that he checked out. Courtney calls and they meet with Jane in Chinatown. Jane has a dress of Courtney’s that she needs to bring to the dry cleaner because there is a cum stain on it. This is the joke I remember, the nutstain dress at the dry cleaner.

Jane tries to leave the dress quickly but the proprietor, Mr. Martin (Joe Bellan), pops up and asks Jane about her family, clearly knowing her for years. Embarrassing. He asks her what the large stain is and mentions it’ll be a tough stain to get out as he chips away at the cum with his fingers. He asks her to think what it is because it’ll be easier for him to remove if he knows what it is. At that precise moment, a Catholic school class led by a teacher who taught jane as a kid, as well as the neighborhood priest who knows Jane, all enter the dry cleaner as Mr. Martin tries to determine the origin of the stain. That’s the joke I remember. Fantastic. No like, Fantastic detergent would probably get it out.

Christina and Courtney meet for lunch where Courtney recounts her evening with the random guy and then calls Christina out for being obsessed with Peter, especially after it is revealed that she attempted to call him in the morning. Courtney asks if she regrets not going the night before and Christina dances around it but half-admits it. She tells Courtney the only thing she can do is show up at his brother’s wedding before Jane joins them, flustered after the dry cleaner experience. Jane perks up and tells them she had fun the night before with her date. They joke about how they pretend every man they encounter has a big, desirable dick, in full earshot of the entire restaurant. These ladies have no shame. They stand and fake orgasms and slap their asses and stuff. It’s really weird. You can get away with a lot when you’re a babe. A song somehow breaks out and the whole restaurant joins in the party as the women sing about penises. This is so fucking weird. This is a whole like three minute song about how big a guy’s dick is but they tell them this no matter what size they are? This shit is so weird and Roger Kumble should be in horny jail.

Later, Peter and Roger are golfing ahead of the rehearsal dinner. Peter has a badass western robe that could be RRL on with a cowboy hat while Roger has an obnoxious tie dye golf hat. They discuss how much pressure marriage brings while golfing horribly. Roger needles Peter about liking Christina but Peter says there’s nothing he can do about it now. Their grandfather (Richard Denni) says Peter should have gotten nasty with her when he had the chance, stating that a women he slept with before their deceased grandmother was the best lover he ever had. Christina is woken up by Courtney who asks to borrow her Gucci purse and they are greeted by a nude man (Johnny Messner) who asks them where the bathroom is while they comment on how big the guy’s dick is. Jane comes out asking for Advil for her sore vagina and the girls congratulate her on roping a total babe, but she comments on how stupid he is and reveals his name is Todd. Courtney tells Christina to get ready because they’re going to crash Peter’s brother’s wedding in Somerset, three hours away. Christina tries to get out of it, denying she wants to go so as not to appear vulnerable but Courtney makes her agree to go and Christina happily gets ready and the two ladies are off.

On the road, they use large paper maps even though they could have printed some Mapquest directions. Christina complains that Courtney’s car smells like moldy ass and searches through the giant garbage pile in the back for the source of the odor. This turns into the two arguing they have never had complaints about their vaginal odors. Kumble you’re too horny to direct. Christina finds an old burrito with maggots all over it and hucks it out the window only to have it splatter back at them, causing them to pull off and get the car washed. They try to clean up in a men’s bathroom at a nearby bar after the women’s room is occupied. Courtney squats over the urinal to pee and Christina follows wall graffiti to a gloryhole in the mouth of a painting of a dog. Courtney blows the pipe off the wall trying to flush the urinal, soaking them both in water as a penis is visible through the gloryhole.

Outside, the two laugh while Courtney shames Christina for never encountering a gloryhole before. Christina has Courtney check her eye because the penis apparently touched it. Meanwhile, Jane is uptight at work and Todd, in a purple elephant costume from his job at the children's hospital, tries to kiss Jane but she strikes him before learning it’s him in costume. When he removes the head of the costume, they begin getting all hot and heavy. They go off to fuck somewhere in the store. Back at the car, Christina and Courtney are stripping to their underwear and dancing to “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” because once again, Kumble is masturbating while directing. Jane and Todd are fucking in a dressing room and he’s in the full elephant outfit. She bursts out of the dressing room and being booted off Todd’s penis and is able to avoid Todd being seen in his costume by the other store associates. Her boss is looking for her as she gets a call from Courtney and Christina who sing obnoxiously, giving Todd a chance to escape undetected even as he falls off the stairs.

Courtney and Christina are painting their toenails while driving and Courtney drops the brush. Christina bends over to get it and both are still in their undies. A motorcyclist driving alongside them is watching while Courtney mimes like Christina is eating her out and the biker gets a boner, eventually wiping out as he was too distracted. Courtney seems mildly shook by this but they just keep on keeping on as they approach Somerset. The two wrap themselves in maps to go into a nearby store and purchase clothes to replace their wet ones. They aren’t satisfied with the shop but the proprietor Vera (Georgia Engel) informs them that hers is the last dress shop for twenty miles and upon hearing them mention the wedding, tells them she outfitted half the party so they decide to shop with her. Courtney and Christina touch their bodies in the fitting rooms because this movie exists simply to satisfy Kumble’s erratic horniness. They do a “movie montage” and dress up as characters from famous movies despite not having enough time to go to another shop before the wedding. Nothing in this movie makes sense and I’ve abandoned all hope. They leave but not before signing up for Vera’s mailing list.

Outside, Christina’s hat blows away and they realize they can’t sneak into the wedding wearing these wild outfits and wants to leave. Courtney uses reverse psychology to get her to go through with it. Christina sits on a bench that has Peter’s face on it and she takes her “sitting on his face” as a sign from god that they’re supposed to be together. Upon hearing church bells, the ladies are off to the wedding. They try to sneak into the church but are met with Judy (Parker Posey), the bride, who is freaking out and hyperventilation. They try to calm her down as she cries. Christina reassures Judy by telling her that if it doesn’t work out, she can get divorced, and that she looks beautiful, which gives her the confidence boost she needs to leave for the ceremony. Courtney is able to sneak into a seat undetected but Christina has to use the bathroom and is having trouble making it inside after a doorknob falls off. Peter and Roger are adjusting each other’s bowties when they are summoned by the priest (Charlie Dell). The ceremony begins as Courtney sneaks outside to find Christina who has fallen out of a window after being locked in that room. They are now locked out of the church. Uh oh!

They make it in a side entrance which brings them right to the side of the altar as the wedding party arrives and the priest begins his spiel. But wait! Judy is marrying Peter not Roger! Wha wha whaaaaat??? I remembered this twist at the beginning too. Upon hearing Peter’s name, the two of them fall over and cause a diversion, telling the wedding guests they were in the wrong place looking for a bar mitzvah as they try to sneak out and Peter looks guilty while Roger notes that “the hot chicks” are here. Judy tries to tell Peter she’s having reservations about them getting married and Peter responds that he is too. They both admit that they love each other as friends but not romantically and don’t want to get married but will still hold the reception, much to the horror of Judy’s father (John Bennett Perry) and the entertainment of Peter’s grandfather.

Meanwhile, the ladies are driving back to San Fran and pull over so Christina can get out and scream. At the reception, Roger sings a pretty solid cover of “Eternal Flame” with the wedding band as Judy’s father threatens to kill Peter for wasting his money even though Judy was the one who brought up her cold feet first. Judy confesses to Peter that she met someone online she wants to be with as her dad attacks Peter. Nice, now Peter can feel zero guilt about being into Christina. Kumble really wanted him to have his hands clean in this whole dirty affair. The ladies arrive back home and get a coffee and reflect on how tired they are of the dating game. They arrive home to police and ambulance and a cop telling them the scene is a horror show. The ladies fight their way through a large crowd that has gathered, including emergency response personnel and nuns and just like a hundred random people, to find Jane with her mouth stuck on Todd’s dick. And there we have it, folks. This movie has jumped the dick shaped shark like fifteen times now, and we still have twenty-five minutes left. Turns out Todd has a piercing which is stuck behind her tonsils and Courtney tries to pull her off which causes Todd immense pain. Christina suggests Jane try and sing to loosen up her throat muscles and her attempt gets Todd hard again. Christina and Courtney sing the shitty Aerosmith song from Armageddon and Jane and the crowd join in which allows her to loosen her mouth from Todd’s monster dick. This movie is like a surreal dream.

The ladies are out to lunch with Greg (James Mangold), Courtney’s new boyfriend, who leaves them as he has a surgery to get to or something. She admits she’s happy with him and Christina looks sad she doesn’t have a relationship. Christina goes home and starts reading the dating book she called trash earlier in the movie. Meanwhile, Peter and Roger get together where Peter mentions closing on a house and Roger eats chips cooked in Olestra. The two of them go into Vera’s store and Peter finds Christina’s info in the mailing list book. Christina is crying at her apartment for what seems like no reason as Jane and Courtney arrive and console her. They try to build her confidence back up, but she’s pretty low, reflecting on all the ways she’s rejected men in the past and thinks she would have done the same to Peter. I guess? But like, just don’t do it? They go out dancing to cheer up where Christina seems like she’s having a blast and Courtney and Jane reject dorks who try and hit on them. Christina gets a guy’s number but it doesn’t do it for her. She goes back to find him and apologizes for being a jerk and admits she was never going to call him, she overdoes it with her apology giving him her number and he politely smiles and nods until she jabbers too much and walks away frustrated, just wanting to get laid.

The ladies head home and find Peter sleeping on their doorstep. Aww! Courtney and Jane leave her to deal with him after Jane wakes him. He apologizes for not telling her the truth but tells her he was not trying to do anything with her when he was engaged, he just enjoyed their time together. He then confesses that he and Judy called off the wedding off as they weren’t in love and asks why Christina was there in the first place. She admitted it was just a thing they felt like doing. He then confesses he felt something the night they met but admits he may have made a mistake and walks away embarrassed, apologizing and saying he’s going to jump off the Golden Gate. Christina just…goes inside. What??? Weren’t you crying over this dude two hours ago?? Go after him! They really stretched this last twenty minutes out. Must have run out of footage of Cameron in lingerie.

She realizes she needs to chase him and runs after him, finding him with flowers in his hand as they both get splashed by a puddle from a passing cab. They admit their feelings for each other and they kiss, which Christina deems “weak” and tells him to try again. He keeps kissing her harder but she walks away with the flowers saying she thought it was mutual and he was better in her dreams. Later, Peter is being interviewed about Christina as the guys had in the beginning. He tells how Christina has made his life a living hell as a puppet mocks him. Turns out its Christina! Aw they’re together and they faked us out! Looks like Christina and Peter got married and like live with Jane, Courtney and Roger still? I don’t know, but that’s our movie.

Okay yeah, this one was prime Dumb Bad But Watchable. The director was far too horny to be in charge of a major production, however, and that’s saying something considering the man directed the Cruel Intentions series. There is a lot to hate about this movie, but life is too short to be extremely nitpicky. This whole thing was like a fever dream about dicks. Take it at face value. If you want to see this one, it’s currently streaming on Hulu. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.