The Stupids (1996)

As American as apple pie and twice as smart.

…And we’re back with yet another theme week here at Stale Popcorn. That’s the beauty of writing my own newsletter, I can just do whatever the hell I want here. There are actually a few good theme weeks on my docket, but this is one I’ve been looking forward to almost as much as Whoopi Week. This week is Tom Arnold Week, and I am happy to say I am writing about some of my favorite movies ever, bad or not. I’ll also be including one I have never watched all the way through just for good measure. Today’s feature, however, has been one of my favorite movies since I was a kid. This is one of like ten movies that I associate with staying at my cousins’ house as a kid. My aunt always kept my cousins flush with good movies whether owning them or with constant trips to Hollywood Video for rentals, and this movie as well as tomorrow’s feature were both constantly in the rotation. So, this movie is not only extremely entertaining, but it also reminds me of good times hanging with my cousins, enjoying some popsicles.

What Tommy feature are we talking about today? The 1996 cult classic The Stupids, apparently based on a series of children’s books, about a family whose last name is Stupid and you can kind of guess the rest from there. This movie is one of John Landis’ less-loved feature length films, but he has never been ashamed of it, famously claiming that it’s a movie for ten-year-olds and ten-year-olds like it so that’s all that matters. The funny thing is it still holds up as pretty solid slapstick/dumb entertainment for me at the age of thirty-four, so maybe Landis should give himself more credit. This one did horrible at the box office, bringing in a tenth of it’s $25 million budget, but they must have recouped on VHS rentals and sales because this was definitely a sleepover classic. This was also one I definitely saw in theaters so they can’t even blame me for poor box office performance. My mom and I did our best. Now I will do my best to describe this absolute banger, just as Stanley Stupid does his best to save mankind from evil.

Our movie begins with Stanley and Joan Stupid (Tom Arnold and Jessica Lundy) waking up upside down in bed. Stanley makes and completes a meta checklist for the day in front of the house where he notices that their trash cans, which Joan had left out overnight again, has been “stolen” once again. Stanley and Joan reflect on this, how it’s a cruel world where someone will steal garbage from a family “week after week” apparently not understanding how trash collection works. Do they not have to pay for it in their municipality? Man, these guys are Stupid! Stanley goes to investigate that night, still in his powder blue suit and boater hat, staying awake to watch the neighbor’s trash cans to see who’s stealing the garbage. He nods off but awakens just in time to notice a horrifying monster (a garbage truck) park and garbage men in face masks collect the trash, glancing at Stanley as they uhhh do their jobs.

Stanley decides to follow them on rollerblades, which have more wheels than his car. In the morning, the kids Buster and Petunia (Bug Hall and Alex McKenna) haven’t seen their father so they assume he’s been kidnapped and go to leave a note to their mother letting her know they’re going to the police station. Petunia dictates a proper letter to Buster, but he simply writes “police kidnapped your children” and their animated pet car shrugs. Joan looks for Stanley and the kids where she finds the note. Just at that moment, a cop calls to tell Joan the kids are at the station, which she misinterprets as the cops making a ransom call, and she hangs up and drives around to find the kids. Meanwhile the cop is driving the kids home and Stanley is still behind the garbage truck on roller blades, running out of breath as he finally gets close. The garbage men notice him so he fakes playing hopscotch in roller blades, in case you were wondering if Tom Arnold was a first-class athlete or not.

Back home, the kids can’t find their mom so they assume she has also been kidnapped. A delivery guy from a Chinese restaurant Jade Palace leaves a menu at the door which the kids assume is a clue. Joan is driving around making a tape recording of what’s happening during her day, but realizes she needs to buy a recorder as this is a garage door opener she’s speaking into. At Jade Palace, the kids are offered a seat but misinterpret this as the restaurant waiting for them. Stanley finally catches up to the truck and falls asleep on the back of it. At their table, Petunia and Buster demand their waiter give their parents back. Stanley wakes up and hops off the truck, confused as to where the truck went as it drives off and he gives chase on rollerblades once again. The kids eat and find a fortune in a fortune cookie, saying “Time flies when you’re having fun” which they interpret as a clue they should go to the Daily Times building. I wish my mind worked the way this family’s collective mind-hive works.

Stanley ends up at the dump, hiding in a bush, trying to act like a bush. He ends up acting more like a man/bush hybrid, nearly drawing attention from the garbage men before they drive away. The kids end up at the building for the Daily Times, a newspaper, and tie their bikes to the back of a departing bus. Joan sees the kids and slams on her breaks, causing a ten-car fender bender. She gets out of the car and sees a crossing guard, and still fearing police kidnap, goes to a wig store for a very good disguise. Stanley is mindblown at the amount of trash at the dump and figures he uncovered the crime of the century with how much logistical work it would take to execute such a heist. Joan evades the traffic cops in her disguise and apparently no one told anyone that the person who caused the huge accident ran into the wig store.

At the dump, Colonel Niedermeyer (Mark Metcalf) of the US military (unclear which branch) meets with some kind of international terrorist faction there for seclusion. He is selling them military weapons and Stanley just casually wanders in to join the group for a demonstration as he narrates his adventure in his head. Joan enters the Daily Times building to find her kids but scares them in her disguise until explaining she’s covered in wigs. The military guys demonstrate the power of their weapons by blowing cars up. Stanley borrows a pen from an armed man and takes notes on a criminal fucking conspiracy. The kids and Joan wander around the newspaper office and see a newspaper headline pertaining to two TV pilots about aliens being picked up by their networks, which is about to be published. Petunia, thinking she’s on the internet, types her dad’s name into the headline to find more info. Niedermeyer is alerted to Stanley’s presence, assuming he’s with the CIA, and observing his odd behavior. Niedermeyer tells his troops not to disturb Stanley or alert the buyers that something weird is happening. Stanley meanwhile wrestles with an old car tire. They assume Stanley is fearless and smart.

Petunia crashes the computer which causes all the computers at the newspaper office to explode. The family escapes the building as emergency services arrive. The kids’ bikes are gone (from the bus) and Joan’s car is being towed from the accident, which she deems as the cops surrounding her car to kidnap her. Meanwhile, Petunia’s mishap causes the newspaper headline to print as “Two Alien Pilots Pick Nose” with a photo of Stanley. We then cut to two alien pilots in space picking their nose and blaming Stanley for breaking the news as they see the paper. Could have cut this part out, probably. Niedermeyer greets all the international terrorists with racially insensitive greetings. “Cool Runnings, my brother,” to a Jamaican man is especially wild. Stanley introduces himself to Niedermeyer. Niedermeyer gives Stanley his car, thinking he’s an agent that needs to be bribed, and Stanley thanks them for their generosity as he drives off in the car. Niedermeyer orders one of his soldiers to kill Stanley, as they all fear Stanley’s unbothered demeanor in the face of danger, assuming he’ll turn them all in.

Back home, Joan remarks to the kids that you never realize how many cops there are until they turn on you. Joan calls “75,496-1-1” as 9-1-1 isn’t severe enough. She reaches Floyd’s Deli where Floyd (Harvey Atkin) interprets her pleas as a need for dinner delivery and promises to take care of her within the hour, which thrills Joan. Stanley then calls, with Joan explaining he must beware of “drive B” as any errors with it will be fatal, which is a warning the computer at the office gave Petunia before it exploded. The soldier sent to kill Stanley attempts to shoot him but hits the gas tank causing a leak. Stanley then accidentally tosses the lit car cigarette lighter out the window, causing the soldier’s Jeep to explode. Joan reveals to the kids that Stanley once worked for the Post Office. In a flashback scene, Stanley is a terrible mailman. Stanley comes across Return to Sender mail, which disturbs him as he cannot discover the identity of “Mr. Sender” even after alerting his higher-ups. Stanley was fired the next day, which his family assumes is because he knew too much, and that Sender may be behind the garbage theft.

Lt. Neal (Matt Keeslar), the soldier who failed to kill Stanley, reports back to Niedermeyer that Stanley is still alive. Niedermeyer sends him back out with a trained assassin. At a gas station, Stanley washes himself with a hose and dries himself with the tire air hose. The attendant patches the gas tank up with chewing gum. The assassin attempts to chloroform Stanley, but the pressurized air causes the rag to blow into the assassin’s mouth. The assassin ends up being killed as he launches himself far into the air. Niedermeyer orders Neal to get another assassin on it, as it’s supposed to be their job to kill people. OH MY GOD, HE ADMIT IT! Another guy sticks a timed bomb to the car. A bee flies into the car as Stanley is attempting to drive. He interprets this as the “drive B’ he’s supposed to be cautious of and pulls the car over, hopping out to kill the bee and surviving the explosion of the bomb.

He takes a taxi home and tips the taxi driver, the occasion being it’s good to be home. Stanley is actually at the wrong house, so he goes to his actual house and pulls out a board to diagram the conspiracy with his family. He deems that Sender is at the center of it all. We cut to an evil lord Mr. Sender (Christopher Lee) burning mail and explaining his evil plan to steal garbage from everyone which will cause him to control the world, somehow, I guess. He orders cops to kidnap anyone with knowledge of the plan, but they are overheard by employees at the Jade Palace who insist Stanley can solve everything. Sender, upon learning Stanley knows the secret, deems him a foe worthy of matching wits with and demands his minions release “the drive bee” as he laughs. Stanley explains all this to his family as he shows off a board reminiscent of the Pepe Silvia theory.

Petunia discovers a “Mr. Sender” in the phone book. The family goes to meet Sender but the car won’t start because Stanley doesn’t have the keys (their animated dog does). Stanley gives the car mouth to mouth and receives an electric shock, giving him a moment of clarity that he’s put himself and his family in danger by witnessing an arms deal, but as the shock wears off, he forgets this insight and continues to head out to stop Sender. Floyd from the deli arrives with delivery, pissed that the family is running away without paying. Stanley calls Sender’s home and his wife gives Sender’s workplace location. The Stupids go to break into them museum Sender works at, as it’s closed for the day. Buster and Joan find Charles Sender’s office. Petunia and Stanley end up in a planetarium type show as assume they’re dead and in heaven. They meet a janitor named Lloyd (Frankie Faison) and assume he is the Lord God. When he corrects them that it’s pronounced “Lloyd” Stanley admits they’ve been saying the lord’s name wrong for years. Buster meanwhile finds an elevator which he assumes is a time machine and Joan rushes in after him. Buster hits “a bunch of random numbers and the letters B-C” which brings them to a floor with a prehistoric exhibit. They assume they have gone back in time.

Stanley and Petunia thank Lloyd for “taking care of the whole universe” and Lloyd appreciates someone recognizing his hard work for a change. Buster and Joan are attempting to be cautious as not to enact a butterfly effect type scenario. Buster writes his name on a rock, thinking he will eventually be worshipped as a deity as humans learn to read, causing Joan to be afraid. Lloyd tells Stanley and Petunia they shouldn’t be there and they deem this means they get a second chance at life on earth. He shows them where their car is parked and Buster and Joan “go forward in time” back up the elevator where they see Stanley and Petunia. They all run into each other and hug.

Joan presents Stanley with Sender’s agenda and they head over to Channel 3 where Sender is taping a segment on a show about the museum. Sender (Bob Keeshan) gives his interview as the family tries to blend in. Joan is given a backstage pass to make a delivery. Stanley and Buster wander into makeup and wardrobe and end up on the set of a talk show. Jenny Antivax McCarthy is being interviewed and the audience keeps applauding at tragic moments due to Petunia and Joan fucking with the applause switch. McCarthy gets pissed and walks off. A cue card mix-up causes the next guest, a chef, to choke the host while the audience applauds. On a separate talk show, Stanley is brought out as a guest with the theme “shocking families” and explains that he’s his own grandfather, along with a rousing performance of the classic song “I’m My Own Grandpa” which is one of the best scenes of the whole film.

Niedermeyer and Neal are at headquarters discussing the deal and assuming Stanley dead from the explosion until they turn on the news and see him singing. Stanley and Buster go to leave when they spot Sender leaving as well. Stanley greets Sender, who tells him his plans for the museum which they assume are plans for world domination. The military guys show up to kidnap Stanley as Joan and Petunia catch up with Buster. Buster tells them Sender’s men kidnapped Stanley and they jump on the trail. Stanley is tied up at the military headquarters with Niedermeyer telling Stanley he admires his strategy but the deal is going through. Stanley still doesn’t really understand so he just smiles. The family isn’t allowed on the base as they’re not military. They mull over becoming their own sovereign nation so they can establish their own military, allowing them on the base.

Soldiers are about to execute Stanley when one spits his gum out. Remembering Lloyd’s earlier decree to always clean up your gum, he breaks free of his shackles and disarms all the armed guards. Stanley launches himself over the fence. The family decides on the hierarchal structure of their new nation as Stanley arrives back in the car, stating they need to get to Warehouse 21 to stop the arms deal. Still not sure if Stanley understands what’s happening but at least he knows he needs to stop it. This is the hero we all need. At the warehouse, the family sneaks around but are easily spotted by guards with crossbows. They shoot an arrow at Buster and miss. When Buster goes to retrieve the arrow from a power line, it falls over knocking out the guards.

Stanley enters and witnesses the massive arms deal. He gets their attention, horrifying Niedermeyer and Neal. He gives a speech about changing their evil ways and coming back from the dark side as Niedermeyer prepares for warfare. Stanley urges them to turn themselves in or face the wrath of the Stupids. Stanley removes his jacket to fight, knowing he’s armed with truth and justice and doesn’t care about military weapons. He takes down a couple guards. One errant bullet causes a big explosion as a bunch of armed goons give chase to Stanley. The family tries to give Stanley running directions around the maze of the warehouse which allows him to ditch a bunch of guards.

Stanley is finally cornered and removes a pipe from the wall causing a pressurized blast to dismantle some goons. A guy with a giant crate corners Stanley, which he declares in a hilarious back-and-forth, and Buster swings in to save him, causing a massive explosion. Local cops driving by notice the explosions in the warehouse and go to investigate. Joan goes to extinguish the small fires in the warehouse but accidentally uses a blowtorch, causing more chaos for the soldiers. Petunia removes the ring from a grenade to wear on her finger, tossing the grenade and causing more explosions. Cops swarm the flame-engulfed warehouse and have a shootout with the goons and soldiers. Niedermeyer dons a US Marshall jacket and turns Neal in as the ringleader, taking off in a cop car and absconding.

At a traffic stop, Sender is stopped and sent to the side of the road. The Stupids escape and see the cops rounding up the goons and soldiers, deeming the cops back on their side. Stanley goes to approach Sender, giving metaphors about turning around and straightening out, heading toward the light to avoid doing wrong. Sender takes this as directions to get him home and thanks Stanley. The family arrives home in the morning to Niedermeyer pointing a gun at the family, vowing to kill them himself. Just then, Floyd slams the door open to deliver the deli food, and Niedermeyer is dismantled. The family thinks Floyd is their guardian angel and tell him his boss’ name is “Lloyd” not “Floyd” which causes confusion.

Later, Stanley and the family have a cookout. They have a really nice backyard. The alien pilots from earlier arrive and the animated dog and cat try to warn Stanley but Stanley and Buster toss an errant match onto the aliens causing them to incinerate and flee. The dog and cat exchange knowing sighs, and that’s our movie.

As I said, this is one I have always loved. It’s fun as fuck. Tom Arnold plays the hell out of Stanley Stupid and the rest of the cast does a beautiful job. Sure, the animated pets and the aliens could have been axed, but I have never read the source material so I have no idea how important they are to the true canon. Regardless, this is one of my all-time favorite movies, deserving of a much higher score on Rotten Tomatoes than the 20% it currently has. A true travesty. It is also not currently streaming anywhere, which is a crime. I have it on DVD, but you can rent it yourself on Vudu for the low price of $2.99, well worth it for the entertainment honestly. It’s a great movie and you should go rent it to kick off this wonderful theme week with me. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.