Two in one day?!? That’s right, baby! What would you say if I told you about a weird 90’s movie with a cult following, set in a small, poor town with some outcast kids who have nothing to do? Would you assume I’m referring to Gummo? Because I’m not. No, today I will be concluding It Takes Two week by getting into a criminally underrated Steve Guttenberg number. This movie is essentially The Mighty Ducks meets soccer meets Bad News Bears meets The Sandlot, and while it made over its budget, it literally has a fucking 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. A 0%. It doesn’t deserve this, not one bit.
What Big Gute classic am I referring to that has a 0% while also being a Disney movie from the 90’s? What feature length film could possibly have such status? Why, none other than The Big Green (1995), a movie about a British woman (Olivia d’Abo a/k/a Karen Arnold) who comes to a small Texas town to teach the school children and with the help of local dumbass sheriff deputy Palmer (GUTE!), connects with the children and teaches them self-worth through soccer. Like I said, this underdog story about a ragtag group of unlikely athletes overcoming adversity has a lot in common with The Mighty Ducks and Bad News Bears, but more importantly are its connections to The Sandlot, mainly the featuring of two main Sandlot cast members (Squints and Hamm) as main characters in this movie.
I know this movie isn’t necessarily a household name. Like, I understand history has sort of never given this film its flowers. But I’ve seen it maybe ten times, and as recently as this spring. How I never knew this has the notorious 0% RT score is beyond me, but of all the movies to get a 0%, this one absolutely deserves better. Sure, it’s not perfect, but it is very progressive, especially for a 90’s Disney kids’ film. It also takes note to show the struggles of losing work in small towns with dignity and respect rather than as a point of humor or othering. All in all, this movie does not get its just desserts and that’s absolutely not fair. So, let’s get into it.
So, we have another kids’ sports movie featuring major players from The Sandlot. How could this go wrong? We start with a montage of some young lads riding bikes as a car pulls into Elma, Texas. The boys are doing some weird shit; laying in an old field while Evan (Chauncey Leopardi) pours Cheetos all over the group in an attempt to get pigeons to land on them and eat the chips. They state this is something they do every week once they get their allowance. Hell yea. Dudes rock. The driver of the car is a young woman (Olivia d’Abo) who sprays the pigeons away with a hose thinking the boys were under attack. Larry (Patrick Renna) admits to her there is nothing to do in Elma, hence the pigeon stuff. The boys find out that this is their new teacher, Miss Anna Montgomery, who has come from England to teach “the big kids’ class” here in Elma. Yes. Yes. Yes. YES! Fish out of water antics, here we come.
In class, the kids tell Miss Montgomery they are all losers with the worst test scores in the state, which seems oddly self-aware for preteens. Miss M. tells the kids they live in America where they can be anything they want to be, and Evan replies that that was before Reaganomics, and the kids all laugh. I like you, Evan. Miss M. is having a tough time connecting with the kids, as they are not only self-aware and self-deprecating, but they also all seem pretty hopeless and they leave school early.
The group of boys is bouncing a ball against a wall and when deputy sheriff Tom Palmer (Big Gute) drives up, they just wallop the cop car with the ball because they’re the coolest fucking group of kids that’s ever been in a kids’ movie. They ridicule Palmer, calling him Deputy Dog and shit talking him as he enters the bar. They tell Deputy Dog about their hot cool new teacher and he goes out to look for, eating twinkies and driving, singing weird country songs. Miss M. is jogging in a form-fitting Adidas jogging suit that would still be cool today. Like any cop, Palmer uses his position to harass a woman while she’s just trying to exist, annoying the shit out of her while she jogs. The boys bike by and mock him, making him look foolish in front of Miss M. Miss M. calls Palmer out on his bullshit and he leaves, but she seems slightly charmed because this is the 90’s, and they can’t give us a totally transparent view of the world around us. I’m still shocked Disney let the Reaganomics diss slide.
A set of parents at the gas station discuss the fact that no one has much money lately, and the local factory closing means a lot of people are also out of their jobs. Elma is having some hard times. The next day in class, new student Juan (Anthony Esquival) joins the class, who pretends to be asleep so they don’t have to learn. Miss M. has had enough of their shit and breaks a globe and uses it like a soccer ball. Turns out she’s a good soccer player. She learned how to play a good game of footie out in Jolly Ole, love, and she decided geography isn’t important and takes the kids out of class to learn soccer. The standard misunderstanding of football (European) vs. football (American) occurs. Everybody stays after school to practice soccer except Juan, so you already know he’s going to come back and be the best one ever in a shocking twist.
In comes Deputy Dog to annoy Miss M. once again. The kids all mock him again. He watches as Miss M. instructs a very ragtag game between the kids and they are not good. Tough luck though, kids, because Miss M. has signed all the kids up for a competitive soccer league and their first game is literally the next day in Austin, which one of the kids says is a million miles away. Miss M. puts Deputy Dog on the spot to help transport the kids to Austin the next day. Deputy Dog, acting as co-coach, goes to Juan’s home and Juan’s mother (Yareli Arizmendi) doesn’t let him join the league, insisting they will only be living there a short time, despite Juan wanting to join to make friends. She insists she’s his friend and I feel bad for the kid because that’s possessive.
The next morning, Deputy Dog asks a junkyard kid named Newt (Bug Hall) to join in on the soccer game, and Newt is amped because no one has ever asked him to be a part of anything. He has no idea what soccer is but he’s happy to join. The kids all take off in the cop car and Miss M.’s car while Juan watches from the side of the road. The kids in the cop car fuck with Deputy Dog while he drives and he threatens them because he has no control.
In Austin, a demanding coach (Jay O. Sanders from our last issue) is leading a military-looking team in matching uniforms through warmup drills, and you already know they’re going to stomp a mudhole in the Elma kids. A goat follows the Elma children for some reason or another. Jay Huffer, the other coach, is apparently Deputy Dog’s childhood nemesis who belittles Deputy Dog for staying in Elma “like a loser” which makes him look even more pathetic in front of Miss M. The opposing team takes the game as a joke because the Elma kids are ragtag and have a goat and mixed age grouping.
The opposing team (the Knights) are obliterating the Elma kids, who just like stand around and wander and don’t really know what they’re doing. Larry is a horrible goalie who freezes up instead of blocking. No one on the team knows how to divide the effort, nor can any of them kick. It’s a sad blowout with the Knights being a team who is from a wealthier area and led by a drill sergeant and, presumably, wasn’t formed the day before from a group of kids who had never played soccer before. The Knights win 18-0 and call the Elma team the Nothings from Nowhere, and the team replies that they’re the Elma Nothings. Huffer insults the team, Elma, and Palmer, and the Elma crew goes home dejected.
The next day, Palmer and Miss M. are giving the kids a motivational speech at soccer practice because apparently, they don’t have to learn anymore, and the cops in the town are useless. Larry calls attention to this, asking Palmer if he’s here, who’s scooping roadkill off the highway? Palmer shows the kids he knows how to kick from his football days and Newt names the team the Big Green after the local field. Miss M. goes through a plan for the kids and Deputy Dog to learn soccer, and the goat is with them still. She has the group run and Deputy Dog tries to get out of it because he has on jeans and boots like a true coward.
After practice, some of the girls in the class/team are walking home and one of them sees her dad passed out in the bar and runs home. We cut to Deputy Dog letting a group of kids drive his fucking car through the hills because what the entire fuck? This isn’t Superbad! What a bad adult let alone cop. These kids could die. Now the kids love him because he did that, and chant “we love you Deputy Dog” and their coolness factor from driving is downgraded for the fact that they’re bootlickers now.
In class, Miss M. is still making the kids work I guess and afterward Juan gets challenged to play soccer. He asks to take some shots against Larry and a bunch of kids who look way less athletic than him tell him he doesn’t look athletic. Writing isn’t off the charts here, folks. Larry smartens up and knows he’s in trouble as Juan shows off his incredible soccer skill, dribbling with his head and feet and knees and blasting a goal past Larry. Immediately all the kids try to convince him to join the team and want to be his friend. Miss M. is excited to hear the news but Juan says he can’t join the team. Larry wants to live in a town with a Pizza Hut.
The kids go home with Juan to ask his mother to let him join and after begging, she allows it. At the next game, Deputy Dog makes shin guards for the team from a box of discarded egg cartons and bubble wrap. At least he’s trying. The team is showing signs of improvement, but they are still rusty. Larry confesses to Evan his transformative fears of the other team. The team calls out Deputy Dog on only being interested in coaching to try and get with Miss M. while Deputy Dog tries to explain the value of teamwork. Back home, Kate (Jessica Robertson), the girl who saw her alcoholic father Ed (John Terry) in the bar, comes home to find him in a stupor and he doesn’t care when she tells him about scoring the goal she scored.
The kids practice and continue to progress with the support of their parents. The town becomes interested in soccer due to the success of the team, finally taking pride in something from Elma. The goat joins the team during workouts and eventually they get uniforms and are on a winning streak against competitive teams. Larry keeps hallucinating about the threatening nature of the other teams from the goal. The kids thank Miss M. for teaching them what makes them special, but we’re only halfway through the movie so we know this can’t be it. There must be more conflict.
And here it is! At the bar, Huffer arrives to insult Elma to the bartender and Ed. Ed is racist and doesn’t like Juan because he’s Mexican. He implies that Juan is an undocumented immigrant and Huffer, as an IRS agent, wants to buy Ed a drink to get more info. The sheriff tells Deputy Dog to go round up Juan and his mother because they’re illegal. Juan’s mother explains that Juan is a legal citizen since he was born here and she has a fake SS number she uses to pay taxes under, so she does more than some citizens I know of. Kate and the students insist something is wrong and go to Juan’s trailer to find that he and his mother have ran away out of fear. Kate is extremely upset and quits the team in a huff and lashes out at her drunken father upon arriving home. Miss M. convinces Kate to rejoin the team. Deputy Dog feels like a failure, maybe because he realizes he is part of an oppressive system and he’s part of the problem.
The team prepares for, like, the big game or something. The goat is dyed green which I hope is ethical. Like remember when Valee got in trouble for dying his dog red even though he used vegan edible dog-safe dye? And they just let these kids dye a goat green? That’s crazy to me. Anyway, the whole town essentially shows up for the district championship. Larry is freaking out because of his hallucinations and his hot-tempered father gives an indication where this kid’s anxiety stems from.
Huffer bets Miss M. a kiss if the Knights win, and Miss M. counters that if the Big Green wins, Huffer has to kiss the goat. Deputy Dog still hasn’t shown up because he’s spineless like all cops. Ed shows up presumably sober and is wearing like eight flannel patterns. Kate is happy to see her dad even though he’s still a racist who is responsible for driving her friend Juan away.
Huffer is an asshole to his team. I liked this guy better as an Amish husband. Just as a possible foul injures a Knight, Deputy Dog shows up with Juan and Juan’s mom in tow. Juan and Kate have some romantic tension and you can already tell they’re meant to be. Deputy Dog got a lawyer for Juan’s mother and is going to be her immigration sponsor. I rescind my note about her being possessive of Juan. She was just being cautious. Also by defying the orders of his superiors, I have to give Deputy Dog a pass. He gets up in Huffer’s face to talk some shit and the game is BACK ON!
The game is close as the clock runs out. Within the last seconds of the game, Juan ties it and the game goes into overtime. It will be decided by penalty shootout. Miss M. tells Larry to turn himself into a monster to counteract the fear of the other team he has as they approach him in the goal. Juan, Kate and Sophia score goals to keep up with the Knights who keep scoring on Larry. Larry is able to block a Knights kick and Huffer starts to feel pressure. Unfortunately, Big Green member Nick gets too nervous and misses, bringing the score back to a tie with the last two kickers. Huffer Jr., who had been antagonizing the Green since they first met, goes to take the last kick on Larry, and Huffer Jr. hallucinates Larry as a threat too. Larry sikes Huffer Jr. out and blocks the shot, giving Newt the chance to win the game for the Big Green. You already know what happens; Newt scores the goal but not without pretending he’s a goat first. The Big Green take the championship. Huffer is PISSED but the citizens of Elma celebrate their championship victory over joyous orchestral music and goat sounds. Kate and her father reconcile. Huffer kisses the goat. Deputy Dog kisses Miss M. The world is at peace. It cuts to an overpass with a sign congratulating the team on their victory. And that’s our movie.
It's absolutely unfair that this movie has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Even doing my own research, that score doesn’t add up based on what it’s aggregated from. I just refuse to accept this. Regardless, this is a fantastic movie that is not only fun but has a good heart and a decent message underneath, with shockingly progressive talking points for 90’s Disney. It’s currently streaming on Disney Plus, so hop on and check it for yourself. You may find yourself liking it more than The Sandlot. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.