Surviving Christmas (2004)
This year, Christmas comes early. Really early. Like... October 22nd.
Christmas week keeps chugging along here at Stale Popcorn, and before I get to the meat and potatoes of Christmas movie newsletters (i.e. the Big Ones, i.e. the issues for tomorrow, Friday and Saturday), I wanted to step back and write about a bad Christmas movie I have only seen one time and one that seems to be forgotten because no one ever brings this one up, despite it having James Gandolfini and Catherine O’Hara in the cast. 2004’s Surviving Christmas, starring Ben Affleck and Christina Applegate, survived the elimination round of which movie I’d write about today.
Surviving Christmas is…not that good. It’s kinda weird and it feels like it would have done great as a dark indie comedy, but this was a $40 million budget blockbuster, so it just doesn’t add up. This was directed by Mike Mitchell who has brought us such other gems as Deuce Bigalow and Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, so we are clearly watching a master at work. It features Affleck playing a rich adsman who pays an unsuspecting family to pretend he’s there family member for Christmas. What could possibly go wrong? If you’re predicting “hijinks” and “miscommunications” then you will need to stay tuned to find out. But I won’t keep you waiting.
Our movie starts out in Chicago, at Christmastime of course. Extremely wealthy ad exec Drew Latham (Affleck) is pitching an alcoholic egg nog campaign. He has two tickets to Fiji as he is surprising his girlfriend Missy (Jennifer Morrison) with a holiday trip. She is upset that he would want to go on vacation instead of spending time with family for Christmas. Sounds like a certain JTT feature we talked about earlier this week. Missy is upset that Drew has never introduced her to his family, and he argues that he needs to keep secrets to keep their relationship mysterious. She responds by dumping his ass to go spend Christmas with her family, leaving him alone for the holidays.
Drew attempts to send a Cartier bracelet to Missy to beg for forgiveness, but his secretary Kathryn (Tangie Ambrose) says it won’t work. Drew calls everyone he knows to try and get himself invited somewhere for Christmas, but no one has accommodations for him as they all have lives. He begs Missy’s therapist (Stephen Root) to let him join him for Christmas and he obviously says no. He gives Drew suggestions for how to spend his holidays and let go of grievances. He is to make a list of them and burn them at his childhood home.
He arrives at the house, which is occupied by the Valco family, father Tom (James Gandolfini), mother Christine (Catherine O’Hara) and son Brian (Josh Zuckerman). Drew burns the list as Tom approaches and smacks him on the head with a shovel thinking he’s some sort of lunatic, because honestly that’s what he looks like. Drew comes to and introduces himself and tells them what he was up to outside when Tom threatens to call the cops thinking he was an arsonist. Christine gives Drew a tour of the house and Tom doesn’t really trust him, which makes sense to me. Gandolfini with a heavy beard is a wonderful sight. Drew asks them to spend Christmas with them because he never got to experience a real family Christmas. Tom kicks Drew out but Drew comes back offering a quarter million dollars to let him spend Christmas with them, which Tom agrees to because he’s a savvy businessman.
Christine is not too happy with Tom not including her in the decision and questions the terms. Drew’s lawyer (Phill Lewis) stops by to lay out the terms in a contract for everyone to sign. Drew is given Brian’s room and Brian is upset he can’t use his computer to look at porn. In the morning, Drew breaks the banister on the stairs trying to slide down it like a bozo, which Tom repairs with duct tape. Tom catches Drew eating Tom’s salami at 9 AM and this infuriates him. Drew leaves a message for Kathryn telling her he's “with his family” if anyone is looking for him and goes out Christmas shopping with the Valcos, pretending they are his family, calling Tom “Dad” and asking him to wear a Santa hat like Drew’s father used to. They go pick out a tree at a tree lot. Drew makes the family sing “O, Christmas Tree” much to their chagrin. The Valco’s daughter Alicia (Christina Applegate) shows up and is not into playing along with everything going on, especially since Drew wants her to pretend to be the maid since he never had a sister. Drew is 1,000% insane. He is being a menace to this poor family.
It seems Drew has reverted back to childhood as he is excited about snow for the possibility of a snow day. He makes Brian go outside for a snowball fight and hammers him with snowballs as he stands there depressed. Tom comes outside and dares Drew to throw a snowball at him with a menacing sneer. Drew lobs a softy at him and Tom covers Drew in snow and ice. Inside Drew tries to befriend Alicia with bad results. Drew decides to write scripts for the family to get a sense of the kind of family Christmas he is attempting to conjure. Christine gives it the Catherine O’Hara best and knocks it out of the park. An old man named Doo-Dah (Bill Macy) enters the house for some reason. He’s an actor hired by Drew to play the family grandfather.
The next morning, Drew takes the family shopping for gifts and meats and things and Doo-Dah comes along too. Drew makes the family take a corny Christmas picture together. Tom takes Brian aside to tell him things aren’t working and tries to blame Christine for wanting Drew to leave even though she’s actually playing the role pretty well. Drew goes to speak to Christine and tries to book her a boudoir photoshoot which she happily accepts. Brian witnesses them hugging and has a suspicious look. Drew asks Alicia to go tobogganing with him but she declines. He tells her she doesn’t like fun, but she says she doesn’t like him, but agrees to join. They go outside and catch Doo-Dah smoking a joint. Tom pulls up in a vintage muscle car, happy to have Drew’s money. Christine goes to her photoshoot and gets dressed like a Torrid mannequin in 2001, but ultimately has some good looks. The kids and Drew are off to a shitty start on the toboggans. They end up taking a helicopter to the top of a huge mountain for more of an incline. Brian is not game but Alicia and Drew go downhill together. They crash gently and almost kiss until Alicia sneezes in Drew’s face.
Back home, the two of them are sick from walking home in the cold in wet clothes. They watch TV together as Christine returns from her shoot. Tom compliments her looks and Christine compliments the car. Alicia tries to get to the bottom of what Drew’s deal is, and all he says is he doesn’t want to be alone on Christmas. Alicia opens up about a time she felt the magic of Christmas as a kid despite acting too cool for school these days. At night, Christine hangs mistletoe with Tom’s help and they kiss as the boys roast chestnuts. We get a Christmasy montage of present wrapping, gingerbread house building and Doo-Dah dancing. Tom uses a nutcracker to open a beer which is pretty sweet. Drew takes Alicia on a blindfolded walk in the snow. Looks like they recovered from their illness pretty quickly. Drew had a tree decorated with ice and brings out a whole Christmas show to remind Alicia of the magic she felt as a kid. This guy has a lot of resources and gets things done quick for not having a smartphone. Alicia begins tearing up but she’s not happy. She says she’s not happy for thinking there was more to Drew than flashy, expensive gestures and tells him to save it for someone who likes that shit, otherwise he better prepare for a lifetime of lonely Christmases.
At Christmas with her family, Missy is impressed by the Cartier bracelet Drew sent her, as are her parents because they are rich snobs according to their accents. Doo-Dah catches Brian looking at porn and has him teach him how to find specific porn online. The site they access loads a picture of Christine from her boudoir shoot. Alicia argues to her parents that Drew needs to leave, but storms off as he gets back home. Tom and Christine press Drew thinking something bad happened. Drew offers to leave and pay them but Christine wants him to stay. Missy calls Drew thankful for the bracelet, having gotten his number from Kathryn. She’s happy to find out that he decided to spend Christmas with his family. Drew lies and says his family wants to meet her one day, and she suggests they go to Fiji the next day but spend the night with their families. Drew tries to make excuses, lying and claiming he has a special needs family member that would need to prepare, but Missy and her family are already outside the Valco house. Drew panics and asks Tom and Christine to play along, but Tom wants him to leave unless Drew adds more money. He offers them an extra $75K to play along as long as they act the part.
The Valcos are trying to help Drew play along but it’s not going well. Doo-Dah’s understudy (Sy Richardson) shows up to assume the role of Doo-Dah, but he’s played by a Black actor. Alicia comes back to apologize to Drew, causing him to burn himself dropping the pan with the Christmas ham. She kisses him and says he smells like fear. He tries to tell her what’s going on and she runs off to get her gift for him, and Missy comes in the kitchen looking for a Cheese Ball. Alicia comes back and overhears the plans for Fiji and sees Missy and learns what’s going on and is pissed again. Drew explains that this was a surprise and her parents are playing along but he needs her to leave to sell the role. She decides to make things more challenging for Drew.
Alicia comes in pretending to be Drew’s sister, claiming Drew called Missy fat and Drew’s tension is rising. Alicia tells Missy a bunch of embarrassing lies about Drew growing up and Missy shows off her bracelet. This causes Drew and Alicia to argue but admit they made out which causes everyone to be shocked. Tom almost punches substitute Doo-Dah who is hitting on Christine. Everyone goes up to Brian’s room where he is looking at Christine’s boudoir photos, causing a fight between Tom and Christine and making Missy’s parents want to leave. Brian smashes his computer, saying some things can’t be unseen, and it seems his porn addiction is over. Christine admits to Tom that Drew gave her the idea for the pictures. Tom and Brian leave to spend the night at the Travelodge. Missy’s parents fight and her father admits that he’s not really her father. Missy asks Drew to take her to Fiji, saying “screw family” but Drew is not interested and tells her he’s sorry and to go home, and he needs to spend Christmas alone. She leaves but keeps the bracelet, as does Doo-Dah’s understudy who leaves Drew with some liquor to cope.
Alicia asks Drew how bad his family could be if this is the kind of Christmas he pays for. Drew admits that he never had a family and made up this family history he has been having them play along with. His father left him when he was a kid and his mom was a waitress who worked double shifts on Christmas. He spent his childhood Christmases eating pancakes after his mother’s shift and his mother died when he was in college. Alicia tells him he can’t change the past, but he spent the Christmas he does have, this one, ruining things for everyone. Drew admits he can tell Tom and Christine were splitting up and thinks Brian could tell which is why he spent all his time in his room. She goes to bed telling him to lock up before he leaves.
Drew writes a new grievance on a piece of paper (“people I love leave me”) and throws it in the fireplace, saying he forgives. He leaves and goes back to Chicago. He spends Christmas morning alone watching families spend the day together from his window. Tom knocks on his door and asks to come in to talk, looking for the money Drew promised. Drew goes to write Tom a check and Tom compliments Drew’s place. Tom and Drew find their tickets to Doo-Dah’s rendition of A Christmas Carol and decide to go watch it, hoping the family is there for them to apologize. Tom sits down with Christine saying Doo-Dah is family. Drew sits with Brian asking where Alicia is. Tom and Christine make up. Drew tries to set Brian up with a girl Brian likes.
Drew leaves the play to find Alicia outside on the steps. He apologizes and thanks her. Alicia jokes that if he wants to book them for New Years, he needs to act fast. They kiss as Missy’s family drives by witnessing, and still thinking Drew and Alicia are brother and sister, drive off disgusted. Drew, Alicia, Christine and Tom all go to a diner for Christmas pancakes, ending Drew’s pancake trauma, and that’s our movie.
Okay so this one kinda sucked. Ben Affleck’s character isn’t likeable enough for us to go along with his reverted childhood state, so we’re just stuck with a rich asshole who thinks he can buy his way into everything. Fortunately, combining Catherine O’Hara and James Gandolfini as a married couple is something this movie can boast about, and that alone will make me watch this one again. They probably could have used my second viewing at the box office, because this one only returned $15 million on a $40 million budget, mostly owing to them delaying the movie’s release a year because of the oversaturation of Ben Affleck movies, and then Gigli happening, causing Ben’s star power to not be an instant box office return for a little bit. Regardless, this one only has a 7% on Rotten Tomatoes, which, I get it, but I think it should have a little higher. Like I said, Catherine O’Hara and James Gandolfini as a married couple is something we only got once, so might as well fire up Paramount Plus and hit play on Surviving Christmas and see if you can survive this movie. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.