So, off the bat, you’re going to notice a little theme this week. After yesterday’s issue, I have decided that I needed to rearrange my list a little bit because, lo and behold, all the stars of It Takes Two had other entries on my list! That’s right, this week is officially It Takes Two week, as we explore another bad movie each from Kirstie Alley (expected), Steve Guttenberg (you hate to see it!) and our darling stars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Going through the Olsen filmography, we find that our girls have only done two theatrical Feature Length Films in their entire career, which if you grew up on their straight-to-VHS offerings like I did, seems shocking at first. Honestly, I feel like their VHS repertoire is untouchable, but sadly their theatrical output never lived up to their home video hype.
We’ll get to Big Gute and Kirstie Alley in the next two issues, but today we are going to focus on the only box office bomb the Olsen Twins ever experienced in their film careers; a movie so disastrous that it put their acting on hold and I guess is somewhat responsible for The Row because had this movie done well, who knows if they would have ever gotten into fashion? What movie am I talking about? Why, the 2004 sleeper cult classic New York Minute of course! I don’t remember much about this one despite it being on my list, so I’m pretty excited to bump this one up.
As a lifelong die hard SCTV stan, this movie offers me a treat seeing Eugene Levy and Andrea Martin on the same screen at the same time again. As a fan of Andy Richter’s Twitter account, his role shrouded in casual racism makes me cringe to even think about. So, we’re not even talking the stars and we’re already dealing with a mixed bag here. The movie is about two girls, mall punk Roxy (Mary-Kate) and overachieving student Jane (Ashley), both navigating the Big Apple on a day off from school while trying to secure each of their futures, while also being chased by a truancy officer and a career criminal. Sounds like a blast, right? Well, it is. It was directed by Dennie Gordon, the auteur who brought us Joe Dirt and What a Girl Wants, and it has a hefty 11% on Rotten Tomatoes; a travesty when you remember It Takes Two has an 8%. While this movie definitely has its downsides (mainly Andy Richter’s casual racism), it’s still an enjoyable movie and despite it being an indirect cause to one of the most fire high end clothing brands of all time, it’s a shame the Olsens stopped acting together after this because I could have watched like six more of these. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s run this down in a New York Minute.
We start off in a very trippy dream where Jane is running through a clock and once she’s through, comes out to give a speech in the nude. Even for a movie nightmare, this is a weird one. Turns out, Jane was home in Long Island dreaming. She says good morning to her mother’s picture and tells her she misses her, hands off coffee to her father, and wakes up slacker punk rocking sister Roxy. We are treated to an immediate contrast between the two twins. Jane is hard working, planning and practicing her speech while Roxy sniffs a shirt to see if it’s wearable (it is) and is plotting to skip school to apparently attend a Simple Plan video shoot. Simple Plan holds a place in my heart as they were my high school girlfriend’s like seventh favorite band. Their inclusion here immediately dates this movie as I think they only had one charting album but I’ll need to confirm that later when I play a bunch of Simple Plan on Spotify in my car. Roxy has a database to help her choose her excuses to play hooky, so we know she’s the cool and fun one. Roxy prints out her fake diagnosis of chicken pox and Jane perfects the speech she’s practicing. Roxy plays drums so loud they shake the walls of Jane’s room, which are complete with some Republican award ceremony picture and a George W. Bush bobblehead, so I already find Jane extremely insufferable. Maybe I’m just judgmental because all of my war criminal bobbleheads got stolen.
Roxy’s big ass pet snake goes into the shower with Jane for a scare to further show us the divide between the twins. Over breakfast Roxy chastises Jane for “playing Mom” and it’s at this point I have to pause and reflect for a moment. How come the Olsen Twins are always involved in plots where their mom is dead? Full House, How the West was Fun, It Takes Two, Two of a Kind, Billboard Dad, now this? Hope their IRL mom Jarnie doesn’t take this stuff to heart. I know my mom would have taken this personally after the third time.
Their father (Loveline’s Dr. Drew Pinsky) seems to be a labor doctor and despite having to go help deliver a baby, he vows to get to Columbia University to see Jade’s “big speech” which I guess is the one she has been preparing for. Roxy gets their dad to sign a permission slip for her to be in Shakespeare in the Park, but it turns out Roxy is using this signature (traced) to fax in her chicken pox excuse to school. I’m pretty shocked that they have a fax machine in their kitchen but I’m almost more shocked that they can use a fax to get out of school. Roxy is giving Jane a ride to the station to get to the City and their father wishes they could spend more time together. Jane is fake disgusted at Roxy’s car and accidentally loses a flier for Simple Plan’s music video shoot out of the car window. Turns out they are being watched by truancy officer Max Lomax (Eugene Levy) who is on Roxy’s trail for all her school absences. They make a pitstop at Roxy’s band manager’s house (Jack Osbourne) where she gets the copies of her band’s demo to give to record executives at the video shoot. As Roxy escapes the house, Max who had been watching, shows up and busts a school-skipping pool party. Max is criticized by a cop for going too intense in his truancy officer role and we find out his attitude has kept him off the police force.
The girls board the train and they couldn’t be more different! Jane is triple checking her schedule while Roxy annoys/delights other passengers (including SNL alum Darrell Hammond) by walking around drumming on things with her drumsticks. Jane tells her to leave so she can concentrate, as this speech she’s about to give could land her a scholarship to Oxford University. That’s all you need is a good speech? I could have ghost wrote a good speech for Caroline Calloway and maybe she wouldn’t have been stuck in that, like, D-league school at Oxford. What could have been, Caroline! Roxy also admits to Jane she’s attempting to get to Simple Plan’s video shoot to hand off her band’s demo, which to me is A Complicated Plan.
Max is studying Roxy’s excuse fax while arguing with his landlord who states he’s two weeks late on rent. Damn, Max makes the same “simple/complicated” plan joke I did. Roxy and Jane spill snacks and drinks on Darrell Hammond and he finally has enough and leaves. Roxy doesn’t have money for a train ticket and goes to hide in the bathroom while the ticket collector comes around. She hits Darrell Hammond in the face and then gets kicked off the train. The ticket collector also kicks Jane off as he thinks its Roxy doing a scheme. If that was the case, she’d be the quickest outfit changer in history, especially in public.
Jane is thrown off the train and gets her skirt caught on the bike chain of a guy named Jim (Riley Smith) and makes a suggestive remark about taking her skirt off before being freed by her skirt tearing…into a perfect mini skirt. Wow that’s good luck. Jim leaves and Jane tells Roxy to stay away from her. Due to construction, there won’t be another train for hours so Roxy and Jane both need to figure out how to get into NYC. Roxy is text messaging (in 2004?) from what looks like a T-Mobile Sidekick while some cops bust a guy standing next to her. The guy sticks something in her purse before being arrested and a limo-driving weirdo (Andy Richter) offers to drive Roxy into the City for free, presumably to get whatever that guy put in her purse. This must be the conflict of our movie.
The weirdo introduces himself as Benny and tries to get Roxy’s bag before driving them. Max is on the phone leaving a message for the girls’ father trying to bust Roxy’s alibi as he drives into the City himself. Benny is getting annoyed by Roxy messing with the partition in the limo. Benny calls his mom to report on some crime or something he’s doing. So, Benny is adopted by a Chinese woman (?) and is using a fake bad Chinese accent (?) and is hired by his adopted mom to be a “killing machine” (I am so fucking confused). We get a nice NYC scenery montage while Roxy annoys Jane in the back of the limo. When they arrive, Benny tells them they shouldn’t have accepted a ride from him and locks the doors but the girls escape through the roof of the limo and run into the subway. Benny and Jane argue and Roxy beats Benny up and kicks him into a subway car disoriented. The racist accent from Andy Richter is really hard to stomach.
The girls are attempting to find their way. Jane breaks a high heel and Roxy breaks the other one to even her up. A wino spills booze all over Jane and a cab drives by and splashes both girls with a puddle even though it doesn’t appear to have rained all day. Roxy checks their home voice mail and deletes Max’s message. Jane goes to look in her purse and sees her money, day planner and speech have been left in the limo. Uh oh! Our other movie conflict. Jane is legit freaking the hell out because she can’t function without her day planner and her speech is in 4.5 hours and not to mention she’s filthy.
The girls sneak into a hotel to freshen up, saying they’re “with the band,” while Benny is chastised by his mother for letting the “chip” (the thing in Roxy’s bag) out of their sight. The microchip apparently contains millions of dollars in pirated music that Benny and his mother will be using to sell bootlegs. The casual racism doesn’t stop, huh? Benny finds Jane’s planner in the back of the limo. Jane and Roxy are passed by a woman in a red business suit (Andrea Martin baybee!!!) who claims she is giving out an award soon. The girls get into a room and freshen up and Benny calls Roxy’s phone to negotiate trading Jane’s planner for the microchip and they agree to trade outside the Plaza Hotel. The chip is placed on a serving tray and Trey (Jared Padalecki), a senator’s son who is staying in this room, arrives back to find the girls wrapped in towels and thinks its his birthday. His dog swallows the chip in the confusion. Ruh roh Raggy!
Oh, Trey’s mom is Andrea Martin, that’s cool. She’s Senator Anne Lipton. Would have been cooler to see Edith Prickley be a senator, but I digress. The dog crawls out the window onto a ledge and Jane follows the dog out onto the ledge. Roxy also heads out as Senator Lipton returns. How in the hell are they out there? You can’t get out of a window in a NYC hotel like that. The senator is looking for the dog and worried when she can’t find him. Trey tells a lie to cover and the girls and the dog fall off the apparatus that window washers use and into a dumpster, with Jane losing her towel on the way into the trash. Then Jim on his bike just so happens to run her over again and they make more sexual innuendo. They now have two boys who want to find them and they are on the run with the dog wearing just a towel and a bathrobe. Only in Noo Yawk!
The girls are waiting for the dog to shit so they can get the microchip and they dress themselves in souvenir I <3 NY tees. Jane wants to separate from Roxy because she thinks they have bad luck being together. At the Simple Plan shoot, Max is watching trying to bust truants. Trey is on his way to the shoot to try and find Roxy (and his dog). Benny calls Jane “anal-retentive” which is funny because the chip is being retained in the dog’s anus (go with me here). Benny and his bad haircut are not amused at the fact that the dog ate the chip. Jane and the dog run and Benny chases but is lost quickly because he doesn’t seem too smart for a murderer.
Roxy arrives with her all-access pass and spots Trey and they are happy to see each other. Max is doing a “how do you do fellow kids?” with the young ladies in the crowd. He threatens to bust one with truancy but the woman looks to be at least in her twenties. Simple Plan comes out and does one of their CERTIFIED POP PUNK BANGERS as Roxy hands off the demos to the suits. Max finally catches up to Roxy but she manages to escape by tricking Max, and when security tries to stop him, he’s able to trick security with the same trick. Sometimes lazy writing is fun. Jane arrives with the dog in tow trying to find Roxy and the two manage to hide from Max in the jumping crowd of teens, only to be confronted by Benny. Max goes to stage dive and no one catches him. I would have! Maybe not though, because he’s a cop. But if it was just Eugene I would have.
Benny tricks Trey into going with him under the guise of finding the girls while Max is on their trail. Dr. Drew is talking about missing his daughter’s speech while the TV news plays the Simple Plan concert next to him. Jim calls the girls’ house and leaves a message trying to find Jane. The girls, meanwhile, are in a sewer with the dog and have almost made it to Columbia U. They surface and end up in a salon/clothing store type deal and Jane nearly has a panic attack until the crowd calms her with a nursery rhyme. This salon, The House of Bling, ends up being a safe haven as it’s proprietress Big Shirl (Mary Bond Davis) and her crew give the girls and the dog makeovers. Max is nearby but still can’t catch them.
Benny calls again and states that he has Trey captive. He threatens that they need to meet him soon or he burns the planner. The girls steal a cab with Jane, who failed her driver’s test, at the wheel. Max uses his fake authority position to hijack the trailer of a group of tourists to keep on their tail. Darrell Hammond gets in their cab as a passenger. Boy, this whole big city and they keep running into the same like four dudes. Chase scene antics happen. The girls escape. The girls argue about how the other doesn’t have the other’s back, both feeling similar. They have a tear-filled argument and talk about their mom. Jane admits she wants the fellowship at Oxford to get some distance between her and Roxy. Ouch.
There’s a moody montage of the girls walking around looking sad while a mopey song plays. Jane confronts Benny where she is kidnapped in a laundry van. Roxy finds the limo and takes Jane’s planner but also finds Trey locked in the trunk. So, this limo is 1. Easy to find, 2. Unlocked in Times Square, and 3. Clearly ventilated as Trey didn’t suffocate in the trunk. Sure. Roxy expresses that Jane is going to lose out on her fellowship because of her and Trey goes with her to try and save the day. Benny is trying to coax the dog into shitting while Jane discovers all the bootleg albums and movies laying around and learns what Benny and his family is up to. Jane escapes with the dog and runs into, you guessed it, Jim and his bike. It’s like this City revolves around these two girls! Wacky!
Roxy and Trey arrive at the convention or whatever and Roxy attempts to impersonate Jane and use her cue cards for her speech to get her into Oxford. Trey kisses her for good luck. Jim rides his bike over a bunch of cars with Jane and the dog in tow. Trey is surprised to see his mom Andrea Martin in the row when he sits down. “Jane” steps out in borrowed clothes from another participant and drops the cue cards on the way to the podium. Oh shit, Darrell Hammond is one of the judges! Insanity!
With no cue cards, “Jane” freestyles some babbly bullshit about the economy and quotes Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” which would absolutely get a scholarship if I was Darrell Hammond. Jane and Jim arrive with the dog and Roxy introduces her as the Senator asks why Jane has the dog. Jane goes to take the podium and Max arrives to bust Roxy as Benny arrives to take the dog. Senator Andrea Martin tells Max to arrest Benny. Max uses trickery to pile onto the dog. Jane outs Benny and his mother as bootleggers and gives Max the credit for cracking down on the bootleggers, getting the girls out of trouble and getting Max some clout. Jane tells the crowd that this day was about something more important than her speech or the fellowship (her sisterly bond) and the girls walk off stage. The tourist couple that Max had in tow start applauding thinking they’re at a play and the crowd follows suit. Max escorts the criminals away. Hopefully Andy Richter did five years for that accent. I thought you were better than this Andy!
Jane apologizes to Roxy and they admit they missed each other and they were happy they finally got time together. Jane’s blue skirt suit with high yellow boots is like the coolest fucking outfit. I would have given her the scholarship or whatever off the strength of the outfit. Maybe I shouldn’t be a scholarship judge. Once again Jim and Jane make a sexual innuendo and plan to date. Darrell Hammond, who had been witness to all events of the day, gives Jane the fellowship because he found the speech notes on the ground and saw her dedication, but also because rules just don’t apply in this story.
We flash forward and Roxy’s band is covering a Bowie song with her band in a studio while Jane grooves with Jim and Trey makes suggestions to their manager. The cops force the studio doors open but its just Max who is now an actual cop, the saddest possible ending this could have had. He tells the band to crank it, and that’s our movie.
So, yeah, I guess I can see why this one didn’t do too well at the box office. The twins had grown up, but since they were still being marketed to young girls, this couldn’t be a fully “adult” movie, even in the high school seniors sense. Instead, this movie stands with one foot in goofy kid movie territory and one foot in heartfelt sentimental territory, all while juggling some unsavory casual racism and a bunch of goofy antics. Honestly, I don’t know what rating I’d give this movie, but I would have no problem watching it again sometime soon. For a confused and confusing movie, it is very watchable. Unfortunately, if you want to verify this for yourself, you will need to shell out $3-$4 USD because this bad boy is not currently included in any streaming services for the month. I rented it off Vudu and I think it was worth it. So, if you have a couple bucks and 90 New York minutes to spare, hunker down with the Olsens and watch the moment they stopped being cash cows for the big wigs and were able to free themselves from the bonds of child acting purgatory and become the fashion mavens they are today. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.