For today’s issue, I am featuring something special. You ever see one of those movies where if you try and give an Elevator Pitch of the plot to a friend, they almost doubt your sincerity because it sounds so ridiculous? This is absolutely one of those, but even after you see it and realize it’s not an elaborate joke, you almost still don’t believe it. I may be showing my age, but this is one of those movies that if you were a stoner as a young man in a certain span of years, this was viewed during a blunt session at some point. Or maybe not, maybe I had weird friends. This one involves some very unrealistic scenarios, one on top of the other, until somehow we come to a resolution. It also features organized crime, LSD, basketball, Ivy League schooling, and a salacious FBI investigation turned on its head. It’s also directed by an absolute piece of shit, James Toback, who has directed other trash fires we’ll eventually watch. But fuck that guy, he’s a horrible creep.
Now that I have you all excited, I bet you’re dying to know what the fuck this movie is, right? Well, it’s none other than the 2001 box office failure Harvard Man, the movie best known for having Vincent Chase having sex with Buffy the Vampire Slayer while they both smoke a blunt. Literally. This is the scene my friend told me about when he said I needed to watch this movie, then mentioned that it’s also about an out-of-control acid trip and how it’s a preposterous film. I was sold, of course, because I was 19. How could this not be cool, in a bad, bad way? Well, I’m not sure if it was “cool” but it was for sure something. As mentioned, this movie stars Adrian Grenier as a Harvard basketball player who makes a deal with the mafia father of his girlfriend (Sarah Michelle Gellar)’s father to throw a game in order to get a big payday, all before finding himself in hot water with multiple parties and then taking an absolutely absurd dosage of pure LSD. I know what you’re thinking; “this sounds fucking stupid”. And you’re correct. So why try and sugarcoat it? Let’s tune in and drop out.
Our movie begins with the most important scene of the whole movie, Alan Jensen (Adrian Genier) having sex with his girlfriend Cindy Bandolini (Sarah Michelle Gellar) while they listen to classical music, intercut with footage of the Harvard basketball team warming up. He lights a giant blunt, looking to be a Backwood, and passes it to Cindy while he’s in her from behind. This is the most important scene of the movie and you can all shut it down now. There is really no use watching after this. However, I will be continuing along for everyone’s sake. There was no point of this scene except for the creepy director to have his hand down his pants while shooting. Alan is late for basketball and runs off. Cindy joins, as she is a cheerleader for Holy Cross, who Harvard is playing in this game. Does anyone who knows college basketball better than I do know if these two teams would realistically play each other? I have no idea.
The team loses to Holy Cross and Alan and his teammate Marcus (Ray Allen) discuss how easily they’ll beat Dartmouth in their upcoming game. Marcus also asks Alan about Cindy and, upon learning her last name, warns Alan that her father Andrew Bandolini (Gianni Russo) is a known and feared gangster. Alan tells Marcus that Cindy reassures him her father is straightlaced. Marcus warns Alan to be cautious as Cindy approaches, telling the guys good game. Marcus runs off to “swim practice” and Cindy makes a racial joke. Marcus had previously mentioned “Black people don’t swim” as to reasons he’d never join the swim team and Cindy’s quip seems to only be in the movie so the director could get a racial joke in. You suck Toback! Alan and Cindy go out for lunch where Alan learns a tornado has touched down in his hometown. He calls his parents on a payphone and doesn’t get through so he immediately hops a flight back home, worried sick. Pre-9/11 flying behavior.
He finds his parents at a facility set to house tornado victims. He learns his parents lost everything but can’t get insurance coverage or a loan to get the house rebuilt. Alan is pissed and wants to help his family, but his father insists that he go back to school and worry about himself, as the community will come together to support each other. In a class, Alan listens to his teacher Chesney (Joey Lauren Adams) give a lecture while having flashbacks of having sex with her, too, because Alan is the smoothdickinest guy on the Harvard campus. He has not one but two iconic 90s babes in his roster. She discusses psychosis and dread and shit in class as their post-coital pillow talk veers towards how getting high and having orgasms are an escape as Chesney questions why Alan has to light a blunt after sex. Uhh, cuz that is one of the top 5 times to light a blunt? Anyway, Alan discusses how he’s trying to get in touch with the peak of transcendence and figure out the real him. Chesney warns Alan not to try LSD as it could fuck him up. Alan tells Chesney he has a friend who’s a chemistry major synthesizing pure LSD, which Chesney warns Alan against trying. Her class lecture describes people going mad from hearing voices after trying psychotropic drugs. Her pillow talk also gives him horror stories of people who lost their minds from LSD in the 60s. They love hammering LSD Danger into this thing. Like, duh, we get it. They also discuss Alan’s parents’ predicament. Alan vows to get the money and mentions he’s dating Cindy when Chesney asks if he’s seeing any girls with money. She also knows Cindy’s dad as a gangster and tells Alan he should ask Cindy for it, especially if her father’s riches come from a legitimate source.
Cindy tells Alan there is no way her father would say yes, but Alan insists it’s for a good reason and he thinks he’ll be able to pay it back with interest in due time (now I have that AC Newman song stuck in my head). Cindy takes Alan to meet her father Andrew, who is with his goons and sons discussing large amounts of money he has won in sports bets. Cindy introduces Alan and Andrew, and Alan mentions he’s studying Philosophy at Harvard. The meeting ends with Alan saying he can’t help, but in the car, Cindy tells Alan that her father is giving him the money, he just didn’t want the other people at the house to think they could get money out of him too. This is revealed with more flashbacks of the discussion where Andrew finds out Alan plays basketball for Harvard. Too odd of a flashback timeline in this film. In the car, Alan and Cindy discuss how many points he’ll win by in his next game before pulling the car off to the woods to fuck on a tree stump. Alan learns, while penis-deep inside Cindy, that he will be fixing a game for Cindy’s father to bet on in order to get the money he wants. Cindy insists he just needs to keep the game within the spread. We see a flashback of Cindy and Andrew discussing the deal, and of Alan taking the blame for a broken antique vase at the house so Cindy’s brother doesn’t get in trouble. As they drive back to campus, Alan expresses his concerns before agreeing to the deal, with Cindy promising she’ll drop off half the money before the game and the other half after Alan completes his deal. He’s got himself tied up in some shit real quick.
Alan can’t sleep, tossing and turning, and goes to Marcus asking if it really matters how much they win or lose by, but it’s 4am and Marcus has a girl in his bed which he insists is the only reason he plays basketball. Alan runs off to talk to Chesney at her place but she wants him to leave. Alan won’t leave and Chesney tells him about how her mother lost her mind from LSD before kicking him out. Mans don’t take no for an answer smh. He spies on her from her window where he sees her with a couple before the blinds are shut and his view is obstructed. Alan sits up contemplating a bunch of philosophical bullshit about dread, freedom and being. He sleeps in, missing his classes, when his friend Sandy (Chantal Cousineau) who gives him three 5,000 MG sugar cubes of pure LSD, warning him to do one at a time and that it will finally open up his mind to transcendence. He doesn’t want to take it before the Dartmouth game, but Juliet mentions how it could totally open his mind or some dumb shit. Now it’s going down.
Cindy goes to meet Teddy (Eric Stoltz) and his girlfriend Kelly (Rebecca Gayheart), who are handling sports bets as Alan sits in a class on Existentialism taught by Chesney. Teddy pushes two guys to pay him money they don’t think they owe him, but he mentions he has a tape of their bet and they pay off. After class, Alan and Chesney discuss morality and secrecy while Alan wears a sheer brown sleeveless hoodie. He asks her how many other students she fucks and they walk intimately back to her house and fuck on her couch as he demands she look him in the eyes. He asks her who the couple she had over were, revealing he spied on her. Cindy and Teddy are talking and Teddy implies he works for/with Cindy’s dad. Cindy asks if they can make a bet in secret where her father and Kelly will never know, just the two of them. She wants to place a bet with a $250,000 payoff, insisting she’ll kick $25,000 back to Teddy. Alan and Marcus have a rough practice and Alan asks Marcus if it matters if they beat Dartmouth. Marcus tells him of course it matters, that he’s sick of losing. Alan reminds him he said he only did basketball for the girls, but Marcus tells him girls and winning go together and walks off frustrated with Alan. Teddy is apprehensive about Cindy’s bet, which we do not learn the details of, but insists if he doesn’t take it, she’ll go elsewhere. Teddy agrees as long as he has cash up front and there’s no kickback. I’m not sure if Cindy is actually having her dad give Alan the money or if she’s lying and she’s going to pay him.
The game begins and Cindy and Teddy agree to the bet with a 6.5 point spread Dartmouth over Harvard. Teddy asks Cindy how Alan would feel about her betting on him losing, but she makes sure Alan won’t find out before pouring all her cash on the table in front of Teddy. The timeline of this movie is all wonky because she’s also watching the game. It cuts to Alan’s dorm before the game and Cindy brings him half his money but is pissed that Alan is stoned before his game. I mean, doesn’t he just smoke all the time? Why are you shocked? Cindy hands Alan the money and warns him not to fuck with her or her father. What a tense atmosphere. With the game running on the last few seconds, Alan makes a shitty shot instead of passing to Marcus, losing the game for Harvard, pissing off Marcus and the coach, but solidifying the money for Alan and Cindy. After the game, Alan gets his bags ready to go home and Cindy goes to collect her money from Teddy, who admits the payout is $100,00 short and Kelly would meet her with the remainder later as she is out collecting outstanding debts. Cindy worries that Kelly was told about the bet, but Teddy reassures her Kelly just knows Cindy is owed money, not what for. Marcus, meanwhile, goes to see Alan in his dorm. Marcus tells Alan that he, Marcus, was to blame, trying to guilt Alan into confess. He pulls a gun and puts it to Alan’s head, knowing Alan threw the game. Marcus tells Alan he should have come to him for help and questions what kind of shit Alan got himself into if he’s keeping secrets from Marcus and fucking over the team. Alan bravely grabs the gun to lower it and tells Marcus he’s out of what he was into and not to take this personally. Alan promises it was a one-time thing which seems to reassure Marcus not to shoot his head off. For some reason I had a memory of there being a lot more dialogue in that exchange. Maybe I had a different cut of the DVD.
Cindy brings Alan the remainder of his money, but Alan is glum and wants to just go off to Kansas to give the money to his parents instead of celebrating with Cindy. She sprawls her winnings on his bed and rolls around in it after he leaves. On the airplane, Alan is fingering his LSD cubes because pre-check was not a thing in early 2001 and you could just bring a felony of psychedelic drugs in your carry-on no problem. Alan arrives at the shelter and gives his parents the $100K. His father insists he needs to take it back if he had to do anything immoral to get the money but Alan lies and says it’s from a wealthy professor who wished to remain anonymous. This scene gave Grenier a lot of practice for Entourage when anyone gets mad that Vince is giving them something and he has to act all humble about it. I just did an Entourage rewatch in the fall but now this has me aching for some more Johnny Drama screentime (the heart and soul of the show). Anyway, Cindy is still waiting for her money and leaves Teddy angry voicemails. Kelly shows up at her apartment and Cindy demands her money, but Kelly starts asking Cindy about Alan and what she paid him to throw the game. Cindy tries to throw Kelly out of the apartment, but Kelly reveals she’s FBI and knows what she did. She also tells Cindy if she works with them and turns Alan in, she can be let off easy. Kelly tells Cindy they have all they need on her and her father and insists Cindy testify against her father, which will bring publicity to the case and ensure Cindy’s safety. Cindy is pissed that Teddy and Kelly are snakes but like come on your dad is a mob boss, not like he’s honest all the time either. Not that I’m defending cops, but it’s really a pot-kettle situation here.
On the flight back to Boston, Alan eats the LSD sugarcubes. All three. Fucking BOZO move right there. Teddy is on the flight a few seats back, keeping surveillance on Alan. Kelly kinda flirts with Cindy or propositions her for sex or something and Cindy lights a blunt before saying she’ll never testify against her dad. Kelly tells her she’s trying to help her get out of her mess easily and Cindy believes her. Teddy, meanwhile, sits next to Alan on the plane as the LSD kicks in and we begin seeing all the visual hallucinations that Alan is going through. This is the part of the movie where college stoners go “Wowwwwwww man this is a MASTERPIECE” but it’s dumb. Cindy tries to turn Alan over to Kelly instead of her and her father, saying she has him on a ton of salacious behavior which is a lie. Kelly leaves and gives Cindy one day to come around. She calls Alan and leaves him a voicemail threatening him if he ratted them out. For a mafta guy’s daughter, she sucks at being secretive. “Alan, it’s Cindy. You know that illegal shit we did? You didn’t rat on me did you? Ttyl.” So cringy. On the plane, Teddy is questioning Alan about what drugs he’s on but Alan won’t budge.
Chesney meets Kelly for lunch and we learn that Kelly and Teddy are the couple that Chesney was having sex with, in case there are any of you out there who didn’t put that together yet. Kelly wants to discuss a case with Chesney and Chesney mentions that Kelly never lets her know about cases. Kelly says they have gangsters on tape and Chesney correctly guesses it’s about Cindy’s father. Kelly wants Chesney to get information on Alan, whom Chesney defends as a good guy. Kelly and Teddy want to use Alan to get to the Bandolinis. Kelly mentions that Alan is guilty of gambling and Chesney spills a drink all over Kelly to distract her so Chesney could steal the tape out of the tape recorder while Kelly gets a napkin. Also I noticed a blooper. Kelly’s Coke can disappeared from the table between shots. Chesney stashes the tape and looks apprehensive.
At the airport, Alan is staring off into space outside, clearly tripping. He watches cabs and buses melt into each other as Teddy approaches, offering him a ride. Alan is worried and having a bad trip. Kelly is driving the car and her and Teddy discuss how Alan is on drugs and they can’t get any info out of him. Alan thinks Kelly looks familiar and thinks they had sex, but he saw her in Chesney’s house which is where he remembers her. She tells him to give her the right answers as Alan babbles incoherently in such a cartoony voice, it’s hilarious. Cindy is desperately looking for Alan when Chesney approaches her, doing the same and telling Cindy that Alan talks about her all the time. Chesney asks Cindy what the FBI wants with Alan and Cindy seems nervous. At a roadblock, Kelly and Teddy get out of the car to inspect the issue. Alan takes off on foot and ends up in a park. Disgraced former senator and SNL alum Al Franken is trying to get his daughter to be interested in attending when they see Alan. He tries to introduce his daughter to a Harvard student so she can hear how great it is. They mention how Hilary Clinton wrote Franken’s daughter a letter of recommendation. Franken keeps talking as his cell rings and Alan trips fucking balls, telling Franken’s daughter to free herself and sing. Franken’s daughter tells him Alan is high, just to look at his eyes, which he does, and they leave Alan alone to make a bunch of random word associations out loud, where he says “Harvard, Man” and I’m going to count it as saying the movie name in the movie. Two women approach Alan, but he thinks they’re the Frankens and calls one of them Al, mentioning that Earth is the insane asylum of the universe. The two girls try to help him but he runs away yelling “run, river, river, run!” and the two girls discuss how they gave up most drugs.
In case you can’t tell, this movie sucks lol. We still have about a half hour left where we have to watch Vinnie Chase run around tripping balls while worrying about him getting arrested. He gets back to his dorm building where Cindy and Chesney are both trying to get him alone to talk and he’s very obviously tripping. Cindy warns him he’s in the middle of dangerous shit as Chesney drags him into his room and chastises him for taking acid. Alan sees a nude woman walk out of a mural on the wall. He tells Chesney he took 15,000 MG and she warns him he’s about to be busted by the FBI, mentioning Kelly tried to lure him in. Chesney tells him to escape before Kelly gets there and forces Alan to concentrate on the present reality and not his trip. Chesney rushes him off as they ignore Cindy and Chesney tries to take Alan to a doctor to bring Alan back to reality but he runs off. Chesney asks Cindy to work together with her to help get him safe. Chesney asks Cindy who came up with their scheme and Cindy insults her before storming off. There goes your shot at salvation from Chesney!
Alan goes to find Sandy and tells her he took all 15,000 MG, saying he knows it’s the truth and he’s with god, finally transcended. Sandy warns Alan that he may be stuck in his trip permanently as he has taken a super large dose. He can’t get rid of the voices in his head and begins freaking out, scared that he took “the direct route to god” and it led him here, trying to swat away non-existent bugs in the park. Chesney is taking calls from Kelly and Teddy who accuse her of taking the tape, which she denies. Alan tries to use a payphone but can’t shake away the voices and Teddy finds him. He gets through to Chesney who gives him a number of the acid rescue doctor to call. Cindy goes to talk with her father in tears, apologizing for taking the bet on the side and fucking her father over. Teddy and Kelly snatch Alan from the payphone.
They take him to an interrogation room but Alan can’t think straight, nor agree to and sign Kelly’s script that Alan was a patsy, as the voices are making him lose his mind. Teddy and Kelly won’t let him leave the room even though he insists on going to the doctor. They’re pretty fucking stupid. Like he clearly can’t logically comprehend what’s happening, why are they like aggressively trying to get him to listen like he’s sober? Alan leaps out a window and runs off to the doctor for help, where Dr. Reese (John Neville) makes Alan sign a waiver in case he dies and goes through some kind of Harvard acid detox with an antidote directly into his veins, which causes Alan to relax and drift off as the voices subside. Teddy and Kelly are trying to find Alan at his dorm. Marcus tells them everyone is looking for him. Cindy’s brother are off on a mission to kill Alan on orders from their father. Alan wakes up in the morning with the voices gone, seemingly with a sober mind. He thanks Reese but Reese tells him if he survived 15,000 MG, he has an extremely good constitution. Chesney is there and tells Alan to prepare to deal with the situation at hand and Reese makes Alan promise to stop using any drugs as they will work like cyanide in his body now that he’s taken this experimental antidote. Reese waxes poetic about the beauty of consciousness and how we need to respect what a gift it is. Chesney plays the tape she stole, which had been recording Cindy and her father making the plan to set Alan up, but her father insists it’s a terrible idea and doesn’t agree. Cindy tells her dad she should just give him the money if she cares so much, but she insists that’s no fun and she should make something off Alan.
Alan confronts Chesney about knowing Teddy and Kelly and asks if she’s defending them. She tells him no, but also doesn’t defend Alan’s behavior either, especially as his risky relations with Cindy have led them all into this. Chesney calls Teddy and asks him and Kelly to meet up that night. Chesney goes down to the lounge where Cindy and Alan had lunch earlier in the movie. Alan arrives back at his dorm where Cindy’s brothers are waiting and he promptly ignores them to go inside. They follow him in and put guns to his head but he tells them he’s handling everything himself and they have nothing to worry about, even offering to let them follow at a distance so they can bear witness, but not get too close or they risk screwing it up. Chesney is grabbed by a woman named Juliet (Polly Shannon) who pretends to know her to get away from an annoying guy at the bar, a classic move that those women would be disappointed to know if still in play today. You’d think we’d have solved that one by now but I digress. Chesney asks Juliet if this is a “pick up” place. Chesney asks Juliet to go back to her place to join her, mentioning she lives alone but they “won’t be alone”. The brothers give Alan time to go fix his shit and he promises to call them the next day to let them know everything is set, leaving them in his dorm as he runs off to “fix things”.
And here’s the stupidest solution to the problem; Alan sits outside with a camera and takes hundreds of pics of Teddy and Kelly fucking Chesney and Juliet. He confronts Teddy and Kelly with the pictures and tells them his demands are to drop the case and let everyone go with a clean slate. They agree to his terms since he has all the power in this scenario. How the fuck do they explain to their supervisors that they’re dropping an years-long expensive investigation for no reason? Movie Logic! Alan also offers to throw the next game against Princeton and tells them to bet on it, saying how easy he can do it and insisting they’re all greedy and should be honest about it. They think he’s wired and go to frisk him but he was just fucking with them. He asks Teddy how it feels to grovel and not be the one who is in sadistic control for once, and Teddy and Kelly let everyone go with a clean slate. Absolutely ridiculous.
Alan is shooting hoops on a rainy basketball court when Cindy approaches him by herself. She apologizes for things turning out “the way they did” and he mocks her for not taking responsibility for the actions that occurred. He starts an argument to fuck with her and tells her she can tell her family he got the FBI to back off, and to fuck off. He sarcastically apologizes for not getting her blanket immunity on all crimes for the future and they bid each other adieu. He thanks Chesney for saving his mind and his freedom. He also apologizes for ruining her threesome appointments, and she says it had burnt itself out anyway. Alan keeps asking her personal questions and asks Chesney if she thinks they could ever fall in love with each other, both of them stating they wouldn’t rule it out. Alan insists he’s had enough of philosophy and wants to focus on something he’s good at; photography. He takes his camera out to snap pics of Chesney. He wants to look outward instead of inward, and experience what the world has to offer. Chesney goes off to teach and they make a date for later that night. Everything worked out for Alan it seems. He asks a family if they mind if he photographs the kids. They agree and as he takes the kid’s picture, he starts hearing voices again in his head and tries to shake it. The kid tells him everything’s okay and Alan says “I hope you’re right” as the camera focuses on his deepened, druggy eyes and that’s our movie.
Yeah, I know. What an absolute CLASSIC! No but seriously, it wasn’t the worst, right? I mean, sure nothing followed like real-life logic whatsoever. Sure, you have to suspend disbelief more than you would in a book about wizards. Sure, the editing and acting was patchy. What does any of that matter when you have Vincent Chase smoking a blunt while fucking Buffy the Vampire Slayer from behind. This is the only reason this movie exists. The fact that its director is a shitty sexual assaulter just adds to the fucked up vibe of this one. Does it deserve the 33% it has on Rotten Tomatoes? I guess that’s for you to decide. This one is streaming for free on Vudu, Prime and Peacock, so you have options as to where to waste 100 minutes of your life. If you’re going to trip for this, make sure you go under 15,000 MG. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.