It Takes Two week continues! As I stated previously, I wanted to run through a film each from the stars of It Takes Two after recently writing about the kids’ classic. We’ve already gone over an Olsens feature, and I am honestly having trouble deciding which of the two Guttenburg films I am going to do this week. So while I decide on that, let’s discuss one from our least favorite obnoxious queen, Kirstie Alley. While she has a bunch of bad credits to her already sullied name, there is one film I’d like to focus on today. It is one I have seen multiple times, and every time I watch it, I think “why did I put this on?” because it just flat-out sucks. It also stars Tim Allen, another king of garbage media output as well as shitty human being (dating all the way back to his Kalamazoo rat escapade) and features what seemed to be a common fascination for the 90’s; Amish culture. What the hell could I possibly be talking about? Why, none other than the 1997 shitshow For Richer or Poorer, directed by Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie director Bryan Spicer.
For Richer or Poorer stars Allen and Alley as Brad and Caroline Sexton, a bitter rich married couple who hate each other and, due to hi-jinx and antics, end up in disguise on an Old Order Amish family farm on the run from the IRS. I’m sure you can pretty much predict how the entire movie goes, since it’s a 1997 movie about a fighting fish out of water couple, but you’re not getting off that easy. The 90’s fascination with the Amish seemed to peak with this movie. Kingpin came out the year before and while it wasn’t a completely Amish movie, it was far better than this and featured a much more lovable Cheers alum than Kirstie Alley (not to mention the fact that Woody Harrelson is a far better human being than Alley and Allen put together), and is actually remembered as a classic, whereas For Richer or Poorer doesn’t seem to be remembered at all. I ask people if they’ve seen this one all the time and they just have no idea. Some know it exists but can’t put their finger on whether they’ve seen it. Well, guess what? I’m here to give you a little refresher course. So, let’s start churning this butter, shall we?
When a film opens with a montage of opulence (shoutout Rachel Tashjian) set to the song “For the Love of Money”, you know you’re in for a treat. If they show you wealth for over a minute, you KNOW how bad things are gonna get for the rich people! Our montage ends with a sweaty accountant Bob (played by one of the best sweaty actors of all time Wayne Knight), denying accusations of tax fraud from IRS agents. The roller coaster is about to take off, baby! Meanwhile, our protagonists Brad and Caroline Sexton (Allen and Alley) are at their swanky tenth wedding anniversary gala. They use their anniversary party as an excuse to pitch a business idea to their rich friends; a God-inspired theme park called The Holy Land. Brad makes a bunch of shitty jokes and his park mockup causes an old judge’s dress to set on fire (“my favorite Balenciaga”) and she claims he mocked religion and anyone who got involved with this idea would be idiots. Smart lady.
The Sextons return to their extravagant home and fight about who sucks worse. Turns out they actually hate each other and sleep in separate rooms while antagonizing each other. Caroline is upset that Brad used their party to make a business pitch and feels that she wasted her life marrying Brad and spending his money because she could have been a fashion designer if she stuck with it, to which Brad responds that she would never have accomplished anything. They discuss divorce. They fight and they both kinda suck, honestly.
The next day, at Sexton Enterprises, Brad’s secretary gives him a repaired pocket watch as Bob makes a nervous exit with a box full of paperwork. Brad asks for Bob’s time to show off his new “satellite phone” and massage chair, and oh by the way, ask how that IRS thing went. Bob tells Brad he is wasting development money on “toys” and Brad insists he writes them off so it’s fine. Bob claims to know every inch of the business and Brad asks to walk out with Bob to tell him about his impending divorce from Caroline in the elevator. Bob sees the IRS agents coming and yells about their split and darts off out of frame. The agents overhear this and ask where Brad is off to, and the secretary half-jokes that she hopes he’s going to the bank since he owes her some cash. The agents set off to capture Brad thinking he’s running from tax fraud. Okay, here we go baby! Action time!
Caroline, meanwhile, is talking shit with her friends at like Tavern on the Green or Eleven Madison Park or one of those ritzy places. Did Per Se exist in 1997? Her friend gives her the name of a divorce lawyer and they discuss how she’s lucky there’s no prenup, as she’ll be able to take Brad for more money. Caroline insists on paying the check.
Brad is at the ATM outside the bank and his account access has been denied. He goes into the bank to sort out his issue as the FBI agent Hall (Miguel A. Nunez Jr.) watches. Detective Lester (Larry Miller) arrives to serve the warrant and implies he’s going to shoot Brad. The bank teller informs Brad his account is frozen and he assumes it’s Caroline. Caroline’s waitress cuts up her card informing her the account is frozen, and she assumes it’s Brad. Uh oh!
Brad calls Bob and Bob admits he has taken the $5 million that the IRS was after. He’s on his way out of the country to go on the run with his riches and tells Brad that Brad’s name is on the returns so he’s the one who will be arrested for this. As Brad’s car is being towed, the agents make their move. Lester is looking murderous. Brad goes to answer his phone and Lester assumes he’s going for a gun when he answers the phone and shoots the phone out of his hand. Brad runs with Lester on his heels. Genius Brad steals a taxi when the driver is on a pay phone. The agents follow and Lester goes to apprehend Brad at a red light. At the same time, Caroline gets in the back seat thinking Brad is an actual taxi driver. Wow, I love it when the main characters of movies just…run into each other in New York City, a common real-life thing that happens all the time! The couple fights while Brad is speeding away from the agents. Brad and Caroline successfully escape as NYPD arrests Lester, seemingly for reckless pursuit.
Later, the couple is still arguing as they are on the run. Brad makes a shitty joke about prison sex abuse and almost hits a cow with the stolen cab. The cab ends up in a body of water and the two obnoxious idiots make their way to land. Brad convinces Caroline to sleep in the woods since it’s the only option they have. Brad makes a joke about how big a cow’s dick is, which…::sigh::. The two are covered in cow shit and the next morning find themselves in the Amish community in Intercourse, PA. Caroline cries as she attempts to wash her clothes in the water. Tim makes a call to his attorney Phil (Michael Lerner, who will be featured in many future issues) and eavesdrops on a conversation among the Amish. Phil tells Brad him and Caroline are wanted, not just for Bob’s IRS crimes, but for grand theft auto and resisting arrest. They are on the cover of the paper and Bob is nowhere to be found. Phil tells Brad to lay low for a bit. Gee, I wonder how they’ll lay low in a community that’s cut off from the modern world!
Brad steals Amish clothing and convinces Caroline they can hide out by scamming the family he eavesdropped on. The family, the Yoders, expect their cousins to arrive sometimes in the next month and Brad and Caroline can pretend to be those cousins while hiding out. Brad insists he knows all there is to being Amish having seen the film Witness. That would be like me saying I know all there is to being Amish because I’ve seen For Richer or Poorer. They arrive and lie about being the cousins as they cause an ominous presence over the Yoder family farm. What a sign. Love when the movie doesn’t think you’re smart enough to infer so they spell it out for you.
There is an awkward introduction. Brad and Caroline are now Jacob and Emma. They find out the Yoder family is Old Order Amish and there are no electronics or modern conveniences or communication with the outside world on their farm. Jacob and Emma claim they are from a more liberal Amish ordnung, which they can use as an excuse any time they fuck up. How convenient. Caroline is going to go crazy without television or indoor plumbing. Brad bricks the prayer at dinner. Samuel and Levinia (Jay O. Sanders and Megan Cavanagh) are kind and excusing of the consistent faux pas of the couple, assuming their strange and different ways of acting stem from the ways of their specific orgnung.
The kids in the family enjoy “Jacob and Emma” as the couple half-assedly tries assimilate to Amish life, waking up before sunrise and tending to livestock. Samuel needs Jacob’s help with the horse Big John, claiming Jacob may be the best horse trainer in Missouri. Emma is complaining about having to cook and learns from the other women she is supposedly a great stitcher and tapestry maker and she will be teaching them her techniques. We get a “humorous” fish out of water montage where Emma and Jacob can’t seem to get the hang of multiple farm tasks and both show difficulty dealing with their supposed skilled assignments of Big John and teaching stitching. There is clear tension between Emma and Jacob.
In the privacy of their bedroom, the couple fights about who had it worse and Jacob complains that the town is five miles away so he hasn’t had a chance to call Phil. Phil meanwhile talks with the IRS agents who seem to be out of police custody. Lester insists that Brad and Caroline are having an extravagant time on the run, so of course it cuts to a scene where Jacob can’t handle the damn horse. Classic 90’s comedy cut!
Brad/Jacob takes Big John into town to call Phil, who’s phone is tapped by the IRS and he knows it. They discuss Brad’s returns and Phil tells Brad that he expensed big ticket items that in actuality, he didn’t. Brad admits he got his ass kicked by Big John and the agents, thinking this is a gangster, try and track down files on Big John instead of triangulating Brad’s location and tracking him down. Not sure if that’s a 1997 thing or what but eh, who cares. Phil tells Brad to lay low for another week while he works his magic.
Back at the farm, Jacob gives life advice to the young man who will be marrying Samuel’s and Levinia’s daughter. He then breaks the news to Emma that they will be staying here for a week without their luxuries. Emma flips out and Samuel and Levinia, hearing the fight through the wall just as Emma and Jacob heard them having sex through the wall, assume it is marital difficulties and vow to help their “cousins” as God sent Jacob and Emma to them. Samuel and Levinia each have a heart-to-heart with Jacob and Emma respectively. Both agree to keep working at their marriage as the IRS digs for info on the correct Big John.
Jacob is assimilating better than Emma, but she uses her knowledge of fashion to influence the wardrobe trends of the women in the ordnung which piques her interest. The couple discusses their history and flirt with the idea of rediscovering their love, influenced by the loving couples surrounding them. I mean, we knew this was gonna happen, right? It’s a 90’s couple comedy. Jacob helps the Yoders with a real estate transaction. Emma argues to the elders for more liberal dress codes, specifically working colors other than black into their clothing. The elders give a week for the women to make some clothing samples and back in town as Brad calls collect for Phil, Phil’s secretary says she can’t say where he is and call back in a week. Guess we have another week of Amish integration for the couple! Caroline as Emma is actually happy about the week of time to work on the clothing samples. A tourist couple tries to take a picture of Jacob and Emma who are confrontational. Right off camera, the IRS agents are personally stapling up wanted posters for Brad and Caroline. With agents who operate like this, no wonder they can’t catch the criminals who are SEVEN FEET AWAY FROM THEM Jesus Christ.
Emma works on some pretty sweet clothing and has a full-on fashion show for the elders who approve. Jacob and Emma seem to be rediscovering not only their love but their admiration and appreciation for each other and acknowledge that things are getting better for them because they have been helping others and know how to laugh about the mistakes of their past. They share a passionate kiss and Tim Allen’s Amish chin beard-in-progress is a crime against humanity and an affront to God. Samuel and Levinia are satisfied to hear Emma and Jacob having sex which they continue to do until the next afternoon.
Hall and Lester are driving and arguing. They swerve to avoid the same cow from before and crash their car into the same body of water as Caroline and Brad, landing their car into the stolen cab. Must be nice when idiocy helps you be better at your job. Also, no one noticed that cab in that body of water for a week? It’s pretty blatant there. Like, no one has tended to the nearby cows in a week? I am so confused.
At the wedding between the Yoder daughter and the young man Jacob advised earlier, Jacob hands Emma back her wedding ring and they are about to kiss and symbolically reconcile when police led by Hall and Lester pour into the farm. Looks like the jig is up Brad and Caro! At the same time, the real Jacob and Emma show up which causes one of the kids to out Brad and Caroline as their true selves and they are taken before a judge awaiting Phil. Of course, the judge ends up being the Balenciaga dress wearing woman from the anniversary party. This movie is quite a ride. Brad and Caroline are ready to accept consequences for every crime in the absence of Phil and a proper defense. Phil then pours in to talk to the judge and gains a recess.
Turns out Phil tracked Bob down in Zurich. He is brought in by court guards and fights to get away. Bob has been extradited back to face the music for his crimes and god, I love Wayne Knight. He plays such a perfect sniveling worm. Brad thanks Bob for saving his marriage then punches him in the face. Phil also gets Brad a deal with a German investment company to buy out the idea for the Holy Land and the charges against the Sextons are dropped. Brad and Caroline tune out their friends and Phil and drive back to the Yoder farm together. They apologize to Samuel and Levinia and thank them for saving their marriage. Samuel admits they knew they were imposters all along but let them stay because he assumed Brad and Caroline needed marital help, but mostly the Yoder’s needed assistance for planting season.
Samuel and Brad walk through the corn Brad grew. Brad trades Samuel his sentimental pornographic pocket watch for Big John and some corn. They also trade Brad’s Jaguar for Samuel’s old work truck which Brad worked on earlier. The Sextons drive off with Big John in tow as Samuel discovers the pornographic image in the pocket watch, and that’s our movie.
I don’t know why pop culture had an Amish obsession in the 90’s. Yes, we got Kingpin and “Amish Paradise” out of it, but we also got this movie, which I saw multiple times as a kid because my mom and I were fascinated by the Amish too. Was this just a byproduct of the time period? Were you into the Amish in the 90’s too? Did it have something to do with the overload of new technology and maybe a fetishization of a modern culture who still adhered to a past uninterrupted by modern convenience? Am I reading way too far into this? Who can say for sure? I did have a sociology teacher in community college that was also obsessed with the Amish and we spent like three weeks talking about Rumspringa and she never even showed us the famous documentary about it, so I feel like even when we talk about the Amish, we’re losing out on most of the discussion. That’s pretty much what happens in For Richer or Poorer.
While I do not at all care for Tim “The Cocaine Snitch” Allen or Kirstie Alley as human beings, I did enjoy a good chunk of their 90’s output even when the movies and TV were garbage. Don’t worry, there is so much more to come involving these two. I have been delaying writing about one Tim Allen movie since I started this ‘sletter. This is actually one of the more enjoyable pieces of trash those two are responsible for, and I put off rewatching this for maybe two years now. I’m glad I did because I forgot there are a few actors I actually like in this film, and it was a nice reminder of why I hadn’t watched it in fifteen years in the first place. If you want to see what got this wonderful feature its 14% Rotten Tomatoes score, it is currently streaming on Starz, so mosey on over and hit play. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.