My dear reader, I am so happy it’s Tom Arnold Week here at Stale Popcorn. As stated yesterday, today’s movie is just like yesterday’s in that it was a staple of VHS viewing at my cousins’ house when I was a kid and I have always had a deep love for this box office bomb no matter what Rotten Tomatoes has to say about it (13%? Are you fucking serious???) This movie is perfect in its own way and if you say I’m wrong, well I’m sorry to inform you but it is you who is the wrong one.
What Tom Arnold banger are we discussing today? Carpool, the 1996 kids’ action comedy starring Tommy and David Paymer where a carpool ends up the victim of a bizarre kidnapping that takes the gang on a whole day of adventures where we all learn something in the end. This is one by Arthur Hiller, who has directed a good mix of bangers and stinkers throughout his career, this one clearly belonging in the bangers category. I have no idea if you’ve seen this one before, but I have seen this one 100 times and will never tire of it. It’s one of my favorite movies ever and the one reason I’m happily it was critically panned is that means I get to write about it here. Which I will do now, with no further delay.
Our movie begins with Daniel Miller (David Paymer), father, husband and ad exec, oversleeping and panicking about his presentation with Mr. Hammerman later today. His wife (Stellina Rusich, total babe by the way) has been throwing up all morning and is too sick to take the kids in the…CARPOOL! THEY SAID IT! Daniel does not want to drive the kids, nor the neighborhood kids, to school as he needs to prepare for his presentation. He eventually relents, but admits he’s scared of Travis, a “weird” kid who got added to the carpool. At Franklin Laszlo (Tom Arnold)’s house, his mother yells at him. Some of the carnies who work at Franklin’s family circus come by to return their bounced paychecks and tell them they’re leaving for greener pastures. Franklin asks for 48 hours to come up with the money to save the carnival. Daniel struggles to get his sons Andrew (Mikey Kovar) and Bucky (Micah Gardner) ready for school and into the carpool while simultaneously lecturing Andrew that people only get one chance in the business world. Daniel tells his sons he wants to take them to a Seahawks game but they both know he makes empty promises because he's usually too busy working.
Franklin leaves his house arguing with his mom, trying to get her not to go back to Sizzler where she’s unwelcome. The carpool goes to pick up sisters Chelsea (Colleen Rennison), a slow-moving annoying girl trope and Kayla (Rachel Leigh Cook), the object of Bucky’s affection. They then pick up Travis (Jordan Warkol) who is your typical 90s weird kid trope, even pretending he’s an alien. In the back of the van, Bucky tries to sneak a peak down Kayla’s shirt but gets busted. Franklin decides to rob a bank to save his carnival but the bank is closed and he’s nervous so he decides to go to a branch of Hammerman’s convenience store for coffee. The carpool is jamming to “I Wanna Be Sedated” by The Ramones, which everyone in the car enjoys except Daniel. Daniel stops at Hammerman’s which all the kids hate.
At Hammerman’s, a sassy old lady named Edith (Betty Linde) interacts with Daniel as two robbers Neil and Jerry (Ian Tracey and John Tench) are planning on an armed robbery of Hammerman’s. The robbers say a prayer before entering. Franklin asks a clerk for donuts, but they don’t have any which has been the argument against Hammerman’s by all its detractors. The robbers brandish the guns and demand the money but Edith pulls a gun out too. Franklin also pulls a gun and tells the robbers to drop their guns so he can leave with the peanuts he bought. The clerk gives Franklin the bag of money, but Lieutenant Erdman (Kim Coates) is on the scene and fires an errant shot which shatters the coffee pot Daniel is holding, burning his crotch with hot coffee. Franklin goes to see if he’s alright but Erdman demands they freeze. Franklin tells Erdman he’s not robbing the store and this is a misunderstanding but Erdman doesn’t bite and Franklin makes Erdman drop his gun as he takes Daniel hostage in the minivan. Edith pulls her gun again but Erdman takes it from her.
Franklin blocked the door so no one can escape the store. He takes the van and they depart. The clerk tries to tell Erdman the robbers are still there but they silence the clerk and throw a register through the window to break it, freeing them. The register shatters Erdman’s windshield so he eminent domains Edith’s car, which she argues against because her brakes are shot. Erdman doesn’t hear her say this and peels out after the van.
The robbers escape with Franklin’s wallet, angry he has their money, and they vow to get their revenge. Franklin is in awe of his performance and is distracted driving as Erdman is on their ass. Daniel and Franklin become acquainted and the kids reveal themselves, much to Franklin’s surprise. He wants the kids gone but needs Daniel to stay a hostage. Andrew refuses to leave Daniel and Erdman is getting close so Franklin tells everyone to get back in the van and they speed off. Erdman is a victim of shoddy brakes and can’t stop the car.
Erdman puts out a bulletin about the situation, warning cops to proceed with caution due to the kids. Two police cruisers immediately crash into each other, allowing the van to escape. Daniel’s boss Jeffrey assumes Daniel is dead since he’s never late for anything. The news reports on the robbery, interviewing Edith and discussing the situation. Mrs. Miller sleeps through the broadcast. The kids all volunteer to be a hostage as they have taken a liking to Franklin. The robbers try to break into Franklin’s house but his mother violently ejects them.
The kids and Franklin bond as they continue to run away from the cops and the kids tell Franklin that Daniel has hemorrhoids. Cops gain on them as Franklin takes the van into a parking garage and Andrew and Franklin both have to pee. Franklin manages to escape the garage just as the gate comes down, crushing the cop cruisers and pissing Erdman off severely. Erdman takes some guy’s Jeep and continues chase as the kids and Franklin jam out to The Ramones. Daniel calls The Ramones “The Screaming Idiots” which is one of my favorite jokes in the movie. Franklin says he hasn’t heard The Idiots yet and hopes Daniel can put him on. The group enters a beauty parlor so Andrew and Franklin can pee. Franklin has a little stage fright leading to some comical moments. Franklin buys a bunch of instant hair dye and the gang sprays the van purple to hide from the cops.
Daniel calls his job and feigns that he’s on the phone with his wife, telling them he’s still alive and planning on attending the presentation. Franklin calls his mom and pleads with her not to go to Sizzler. Meter maid Martha (Rhea Perlman), power-hungry and finding the expired meter next to the van, gives an impassioned speech about civic duty just as the beauty parlor patrons see the gang on TV with the news reports. Franklin takes the ticket from Martha and speeds off before Martha learns who they are. Martha takes off in pursuit and Erdman learns Martha is the one on Franklin’s case. Martha’s vehicle has like turbo boost which is just another show of why police budgets should be drastically shortened.
They ditch Martha but end up going through a police checkpoint. Franklin wears some of Mrs. Miller’s accessories and pretends to be a gay couple with Daniel, hiding the children, and they drive through easily until the officer realizes the van was painted and alerts other authorities. Scott Lewis (David Kaye) the newscaster, take another interview in his solid blazer/turtleneck combo. The gang manages to evade Erdman and a trail of cops by driving the van into the refrigerated trailer of an 18-wheeler. They get transported as Franklin discusses his son Keith and how today is his birthday but he can’t see him because Keith’s mom hates Franklin. Franklin then explains his motivations for hitting rock bottom and planning to rob the bank, as well as his shortcomings as a father, feeling Daniel must be a better provider even though Franklin and Keith do more together than Daniel with Andrew and Bucky.
The truck opens and the van rolls out. Turns out they’re in the mall! If you know anything about me, you know I would have KILLED to be in the van during the filming of this scene. Not only is this a van chase inside a mall, it’s a mall from the mid-90s and it’s a mall in Canada (where filming took place). The amount of joy my brain would feel may actually kill me. The van drives through on some Blues Brothers shit. However they ended up syncing the inside windshield view with the actual van movement, they did a great job. In my mind I imagine David Paymer and Tom Arnold just did their own stunts. Martha arrives at the mall first and blocks the van with a speargun. Franklin asks where she got it and they have a discussion about the mall directory layout. Erdman then shows up and tells Martha to beat it but she refuses to give up the case. Turns out Erdman and Martha have history together, as Erdman left Martha at the altar years before. Daniel drives away while Erdman and Martha are distracted but Franklin catches up and Andrew lets him in the van. Martha shoots the speargun and catches the van but ends up being dragged through the mall with Erdman following on her vehicle. Daniel is now behind the wheel and trying to manage the situation. He ends up loosening Martha who gains on the vehicle but is knocked off by a banner and takes her car back from Erdman, both of them giving chase.
Daniel decides to whip the van up a set of stars as it has four-wheel drive. Erdman and Martha get stuck on her little traffic car. Cops block them in and Daniel decides to floor it through a window, but they’re on the second floor so they fly out and land through a wooden roof, hitting the road. No idea why Daniel changed his tune so much from 30 seconds ago, but now he seems determined to escape. Probably because his kids like Franklin more, I don’t know. Mrs. Miller is further hallucinating sipping on cough medicine as the news reports about the kidnapping. Daniel is finally starting to enjoy The Ramones with the kids, who congratulate him on his escape driving. After all that, the van runs over a fork which gives them a flat tire.
Franklin and Daniel swap the tire and Franklin refers to them as family and not hostages. Franklin explains his desperation to Daniel and mocks that he’s going to blow his brains out from shame but reveals that the pistol he’s held all day was a fake gun that’s actually a lighter. Daniel is pissed and tells the kids they’re leaving so he can go to his meeting. Andrew reminds Daniel that Daniel always says never to break his word and stays behind with Franklin, along with Bucky and Travis. Daniel decides to honor his end of the bargain and takes Franklin to his carnival headquarters. They big farewell sadly, but all the kids say they have to use the bathroom to stay longer and Franklin insists they drive inside.
Inside is dark until Franklin hits the lights and shows off the carnival to the kids. This is where rides are stored and safety-tested and the kids run around hitting the rides overjoyed. The robbers from Hammerman’s show up based on info from the wallet and Franklin’s truck and hold Franklin and Daniel at gunpoint, demanding the money. They take Franklin’s “gun” and when Franklin gets the upper hand, go to shoot him but it’s of course just a lighter. Daniel conks one of them out with a mallet but Andrew is stuck on the Ferris wheel. Daniel uses his presentation materials to jam the gears, stopping the machine and rescuing Andrew before he can fall with Franklin’s help. Daniel himself bravely jumps from danger in the nick of time, impressing the kids. Franklin traps the robbers on one of the rides, but notes that the presentation has been destroyed.
At the office, Hammerman (Rod Steiger) is irritated at Danie’s tardiness and is ready to leave when Daniel barrels in begging to give his presentation. Hammerman remarks that he needs to leave, as one of his stores has been robbed with children taken hostage, a major PR disaster for his company and a worrisome matter. Franklin and the kids enter, introducing themselves and returning Hammerman’s money. Hammerman allows them to present for the length of time it takes the police to arrive (“This is a pretty good neighborhood so I’d say you’ve got about three minutes,” says Franklin). Daniel tells Hammerman that his stores do not appeal to kids. The kids tell him that his customers are dying and retiring and moving away and suggest he should aim for a younger demographic, adding “gourmet” versions of things popular with younger people. Hammerman is intrigued when the idea of donuts comes up, as he loves donuts. Daniel pitches the campaign with the importance of family and Hammerman is impressed. He requests a formal presentation and Daniel tells his boss he has to spend some time with his kids so it’ll take a little while. His boss wants to make him partner but Daniel quits because it wouldn’t allow him time with his kids. Hammerman wants to work with Daniel and Franklin directly and promises to drop the charges because of the kids, as long as the guys do 500 hours of community service.
Later, the carnival is in full swing. Daniel and Franklin are partners and Hammerman is a “silent” partner who sells donuts at the carnival. There is a carnival ride called “Carpool” based on their adventure. Franklin’s son Keith (Justin Wilkie) visits with him, reuniting them happily. Daniel’s wife thanks Franklin for loosening Daniel up. Daniel asks Franklin where his mom is. He panics realizing he was supposed to meet her for lunch. We cut to the Sizzler where a SWAT team attempts to gain control over Franklin’s mom as she tosses agents and the salad bar out the window, vowing to go to Denny’s from now on, and that’s our movie.
Yet another absolute banger and all-time favorite from my childhood. Tom Arnold sure could pick em! As stated previously, this is one of my all-timers and a movie I’ve been obsessed with since I used to watch it on VHS at my cousins’ house as a kid. Edith saying “Bite me” to Franklin will be etched into my memory until the moment my soul leaves my corpse. It’s one of those lines you never forget. Also, full disclosure: this is the second time I’ve watched this movie in five days. I could put it on again tonight and not be sick of it. I’ll never tire of this one despite seeing it 100+ times. How about you? Have you seen this 100 times? Ready for your 101st viewing? Well, it’s currently on Starz so by all means, get on my level. Tomorrow we will round out the week with not one but two beautiful Tom Arnold features. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.