…And we’re back with our second marriage (movie) of the day. It’s not a theme week, but I noticed I had a couple marriage-themed movies on my list and figured I’d bang these out Honeymoon style before we get to next week’s theme week which is suiting up to be pretty painful for me. Let’s just say it’s going to be a doozy. Wedding Daze, our previous issue, was terrible, but I don’t hold out much hope that our next feature will be any better, despite it featuring a cast I typically enjoy. However, this next one did manage to make $85 million over its budget so I guess it has a little more room for bragging rights. It does have a much lower Rotten Tomatoes score, an 11%, but since Wedding Daze had a 33% maybe this score is more realistic. This one also features a stupid premise and marriage so you know you’re in for the same kind of ride we’ve been on today.
What are we watching now? Bride Wars, the 2009 best-friends-become-enemies catfighting Bridezillas movie starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, two actresses whom I usually enjoy very much. The five minutes I’ve seen of this one, however, does not make a convincing case for me liking them in this feature, however. This one was directed by Gary Winick, the guy who brought us Tadpole, a movie I had been debating writing about for a long time because of how ridiculous it is, but it surprisingly has a high Rotten Tomatoes score. As stated, this movie is about two best friends who have a fight because one of them is having the dream wedding the other one wanted, or whatever. Who fucking cares? Let’s press play.
Our movie begins with childhood Liv and Emma making their wedding dream box. They had been taken to the Plaza Hotel for tea as children and witnessed a wedding at the Plaza, which became their dream for their entire lives, to have June weddings at the Plaza. As kids, they played Plaza Wedding instead of like Barbies or hopscotch which is lame. They discuss how they shouldn’t get married until “at least 16” yuck. As adults, Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) are at a wedding that’s not at the Plaza and are criticizing the shit out of it. I already hate them both. Emma’s boyfriend Fletcher (Chris Pratt) tries to get them to leave so he can watch Tivo (in 2009?). Liv and Emma go to catch the bouquet and the bride insults Emma’s dress. Liv has Emma’s back and says she’s repeating her outfit because it’s timeless. Cool. Good save. Candice Bergen is the narrator and mentions that Liv and Emma have been inseparable for twenty years. Liv is at her job as some boardroom litigator or something. Emma is a teacher at a middle school. Her coworker Deb (Kristen Johnston) asks Emma to fill in for her on some debate team meet because Deb doesn’t wanna do it. Emma tries to protest but Deb steamrolls her and makes her take a way worse deal just for Deb to do her own job. Emma complains to Liv about her job and Liv gives Emma a designer blouse she had wanted. Good friend unless she exploits the power dynamic. Liv goes through her closet and finds a Tiffany box, and her and Emma flip out knowing Liv is going to be proposed to.
They decide to keep it private until it, you know, actually happens. This lasts five seconds as Liv enters the bar to meet their pals and yells how she’s engaged. Liv’s brother Nate (Bryan Greenberg) meets the gals and they toast to Daniel (Steve Howey), Liv’s boyfriend who they all assume will be proposing. They are getting shitfaced celebrating this thing that hasn’t happened yet. This can only go well. Liv leaves in a mood and Emma follows her out. Liv is sad her parents are dead and they can’t share this moment, just like they missed a lot of things Nate experienced. This dialogue is painful. Emma goes home to Fletcher and they have beer and Chinese food. He has an engagement ring set inside Emma’s fortune cookie and uses the opportunity to propose. It’s actually a really sweet, romantic proposal and she says yes of course. Emma calls Liv with the good news and the girls celebrate the fact that Fletcher got her a good ring. Blah. The gals play phone tag discussing the fact that Liv and Emma are engaged and they’re still single. C’mon ladies love yourself! You don’t need a ring to be validated! Be your own person, 2009 movie characters!
Emma makes an appointment with Marion St. Claire (also Candice Bergen) to start planning her Plaza wedding which makes Liv super upset. She claims it’s because Daniel still hasn’t proposed (it has been one day and they found the ring snooping, not like they knew when he was gonna do it) but I think Liv is jealous because she knows it’s not set in stone yet and she’s not going to get to be the important one in the friendship. Her being the corporate big shot who has to cheer up her lowly friend shows she does that for herself, not for Emma, so there’s no way she’s actually going to be happy for her friend who I can tell she considers lower than herself. I’m Team Emma so far. Liv sprints to Daniel’s office and asks if they can just get married already, admitting she found the Tiffany box in the closet. Uhhhh is that how you wanted your dream proposal to go? Daniel criticizes her for being obnoxious and pulls out the ring, telling her she should have just waited til later that night like he was planning. Then she feigns surprise. God, she sucks. Liv is damaging the crush I’ve always had on Kate Hudson.
Liv and Emma go to meet with Marion to discuss planning their weddings. Marion states that the women are currently “dead” and will only come to life once they’re married. Ew. Marion does have two June Plaza availabilities and Liv grabs the soonest one under the guise of it being her parents’ anniversary but I can tell she just wants to be married first. They sign for their dates and go outside and celebrate, but narrator Marion mentions that June was only three and a half months away, which doesn’t really leave a ton of time to get planning. They go dress shopping and Emma is in love with a Vera Wang dress, but notes that she promised her mom she’d wear her mom’s dress. She tells Liv she should try it on and Liv does. It’s perfect on her. I remember this scene from the commercials back when this was out. That means this will be the most interesting scene of the movie. Sigh.
The girls get a call from Marion and she has them come back to the office, stating that their weddings have been accidentally booked for the same day by the receptionist. The next June availability is in three years. Liv wants to negotiate with whoever got the later date, but Marion has a confidentiality clause and can’t dox her other customers. The girls chase after Angela (Marcia DeBonis), the receptionist who screwed it up, as she’s been dismissed from the job due to her kerfuffle. They demand she share the intel and they go to find Stacy (Casey Wilson), the woman who got the other date. They find her in a store but Stacy isn’t budging. Emma and Liv harass Stacy until she has to shove Emma and run. Embarrassing behavior. They agree one of them will have to be flexible and change venues and dates, and here is our first disagreement. They each state why they should keep the date and agree they’ll have to decide but neither offers and they each leave.
Nate is trying to be a mediator between his sister and Emma, as Fletcher is doing Nate’s taxes which gives him an excuse to discuss it with them. Emma decides she should just take the L and let Live have it but Fletcher, being a good partner, stands up for her and reassures her that she’s just as deserving as Liv is, especially since Emma has been saving for the wedding for ten years and Liv is rich and it doesn’t matter to her. Daniel and Fletcher call each other and discuss how the girls still haven’t come to an agreement and haven’t spoken to each other for a week now. Emma gets home and her and, against Fletcher’s wishes, sends a mass text out saying she’s getting married at the Plaza and claims the June 6th date. Her friends are depressed about their friend’s possible happiness and this movie is a bummer.
At the girls’ joint wedding shower, Liv learns of Emma’s mass text claiming the wedding date. Liv calls Emma out for sending out the save the dates. Liv is mad Emma didn’t just roll over and follow her orders and now the claws are out. Emma calls Liv out for being controlling and jealous and Liv sends personal insults to Emma. Doesn’t sound even tbh. Personal attacks versus valid criticism? Liv threatens Emma’s wedding and Emma calls Liv out for having to force Daniel to propose. Liv goes to leave and Emma insults her and her ass and that seems to be the end of this friendship.
Marion needs both of them to find a new maid of honor. None of their friends will take sides so they end up calling a bunch of random people they don’t really know well. God, I wish they could just apologize and play rock, paper, scissors for it and save us all the next fifty two minutes. Liv tries to get her assistant Kevin (Michael Arden) to be her Mister of Honor but he doesn’t seem to want to. Emma ends up asking Deb because she has no one left. It’s actually painful. This dialogue is so bad. During the planning, Emma learns Liv outbid Emma on the DJ she wanted to spite her. Deb suggests sabotaging her weight so she can’t fit into her Vera Wang dress. During Liv’s cake testing, Marion makes a dig at her which leads Liv to think she likes Emma better. Emma sends chocolates to Liv’s office making her think they’re from Daniel. Kevin suggests sabotaging Emma and Fletcher when they go to take their first dance. They do this by sending Ricky (Paul Scheer) in as their instructor to teach them moves that would be wildly inappropriate for their wedding but awesome at the club on Saturday. Their actual instructor shows up and finds them exhausted.
Afterward, Fletcher makes a remark that he feels bad for Daniel, as he’ll “never be able to control his wife” which Emma is taken aback by. Emma retaliates to Liv by publishing wedding announcements for the two of them in their hometown paper using an unflattering picture of Liv. Liv in turn spreads a rumor Emma’s pregnant but karma bites her in the ass as she can’t fit into her wedding dress. Liv calls Daniel out for sending her all the sweets and realizes it’s been Emma the whole time. Emma goes in for a light spray tan and Liv sneaks in back and sabotages it. Wow this one joke movie sure takes awhile to tell the one joke! Obviously, Emma looks completely orange. Emma retaliates by messing with Liv’s hair color at the salon. Like…this shit is a boring ass repetitive cartoon. Liv’s hair comes out blue. Ha ha.
Emma gets home to a bunch of baby gifts and learns her and Fletcher are registered at Babies-R-Us, making Fletcher think she’s pregnant. Liv and the gals go to Chippendales or a reasonable facsimile for Liv’s bachelorette party where she’s brought onstage, but Emma is at the bar drunk and yells that she’s a bride too so she takes the stage and dances with the male strippers. The DJ calls for a Dance Off. Oh shit it’s on! They have a dance contest and it’s alright. Liv loses and takes a bunch of shots in sorrow. She ends up oversleeping and rushes into work, forgetting her hair is still blue. She wraps her head in a towel and forgot a shirt under her blazer. Liv is fucking up at work and just goes off on how bad her life is and that her best friend hates her and her hair starts falling out in her hands. Liv is taken off this case by her boss for being a mess. She ends up getting demoted. She tells Daniel she has no one and feels alone, which we the audience know means she wants to talk to Emma, but god, that has to suck being Daniel and hearing your fiancé doesn’t consider you to be important enough to be there for her. I really don’t like Liv. She looks good with the blue though. I really dig it. Daniel tells her no one’s perfect and she realizes she can be human.
Emma’s fake tan is finally almost gone and she gushes to Fletcher about how she beat Liv in the dance contest. Fletcher flips out at Emma for being “bitchy” and not shutting up about getting the best of Liv. Emma calls Fletcher out for wanting her to be a docile, expressionless bride. Sounds like Chris Pratt in real life! Emma cries because Fletcher hasn’t asked her how she feels at all and mentions his confusion. I should have known that romantic proposal was all a façade. Liv manages to get the blue out of her hair and goes exercising while we get…a montage. You gotta have a montage! She sees Emma out running and tries to catch up to her but Emma outruns her. Emma ends up calling Liv’s office but Kevin doesn’t put her through because Liv is moving into her new office, not being able to hear that it was Emma because of noise in the office. Emma and Nate meet up for a talk and she accompanies him to rent a tux for Liv’s wedding. Nate asks Emma how she’s feeling, the first time someone has done this all movie, and she confesses that the IRL version of this dream wedding isn’t as fun as it was in her head. Uh, duh! You weren’t beefing with your bestie in your fantasy! Nate and Emma seem to have a little chemistry going on. I’m going to ship them. They both seem into each other but she won’t let him buy her a cup of coffee. She goes home and is disgusted by Fletcher in bed with her.
We still have twenty god damn minutes in this fucking movie. It’s wedding time and we still have twenty minutes. Emma is nervous and Deb is no help. Liv has all the gals in her dressing room. I thought they weren’t gonna take sides but they keep seeming to side with Liv. Emma yells at Deb and tells her to focus on what she needs for once. The guy helping Marion with the wedding keeps mixing the two weddings up. Their friends are going to go back and forth between the weddings and rehearsals. Emma’s dad (John Pankow) visits Liv to give her a blessing as her parents aren’t there. Liv immediately sends Kevin to Marion as she sabotaged the DVD for Emma’s ceremony and wants to switch the right one back and take the high road. Emma’s dad brings Emma her wedding dream box from when they were kids. They remove a blue barrette which belonged to Liv. It makes Emma cry and realize she needs to see Liv. Too late. Marion’s here to usher Emma off to her ceremony.
Emma and Liv glimpse each other as their ceremonies are about to begin. Emma’s dad asks if she’s happy and she doesn’t seem it. Also looks like Liv didn’t switch the footage back in time and an overhead video (with sound? That interrupts the organist?) shows Emma going wild on spring break when they were younger. Emma screams and storms into Liv’s wedding, tackling her as she walks down the aisle as they get into a wild catfight on the floor in a pile of Vera Wang. Did I say wild? I mean pathetic. This movie is so pointless, bro. We all learned the lesson like five minutes in. Don’t let anything come between real friendship or something. They both give up and get off the floor. Emma goes back to her wedding but Fletcher stops her and chastises her and tells her she can’t be friends with Liv anymore, showing more of that charming controlling side of his. Emma tells him he’s in love with a girl from ten years ago, she’s grown and they shouldn’t be married. They call it quits and she gives him back the ring. I bet you five dollars she gets with Nate now.
Fletcher walks out and Liv apologizes to Emma and she does the same. Marion smiles watching them make amends. Emma admits her and Fletcher weren’t perfect for each other, so Liv should claim this day. Liv admits she’s come to terms with the fact that she doesn’t have to be perfect all the time, something Emma said to her early in the movie that we all learned in kindergarten. They do a “reset” and Emma joins Liv as her maid of honor, presenting her with the barrette from their wedding box. The wedding goes off without a hitch. Nate asks Emma to dance so you owe me $5. Marion wraps things up discussing unbreakable bonds in life, stating that for some people, the one person they can count on for life is their best friend. I agree with that. Shoutout my bffae Tyler.
One year later, Liv and Emma meet for lunch. Emma married Nate, I guess. She’s pregnant too. So is Liv. They’re both due the same day. They fake us out like we’re going to get the worst sequel of all time, but they’re both happy for each other and that’s our movie.
Jesus do NOT see this. It sucked! Not even Kate and Anne could charm this shitfest up. Bad behavior, annoying wedding planning, just all- around unpleasant. I do not recommend this one unless you are Kate/Anne superfans, and even then, I might say don’t bother. I have to say, Wedding Daze was better. At least that tried to have a sense of humor, as awful as it was. Anyways, if you say “I do” when asked if you want to watch this trash heap, it’s on HBO Max for your viewing displeasure. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.